NonSoccerMom.com

AE does this thing that totally cracks me up, although I have to hide my amusement.  He doesn’t find it funny when I laugh at him.  Anyway, what he’s been doing lately is a little something I like to call Fake Statistics.

In AE’s world, everything can be quantified in percentages.  He’ll make a great statistician someday, although hopefully by then he’ll have actual science to back up his numbers.  Because right now, conversations with him tend to go a little like this:

Me:  AE, it’s time to take a bath.

AE:  But I don’t want to take a bath.

Me:  I don’t care.  It’s bath time.  You’re already ten minutes past.

AE:  So about 35% late.

Me:  JUST GET IN THE BATH.

AE:  But I don’t want to take a bath.  I only want to take a bath about 2%.

Me [getting sucked in, because you know I can't let anything go]:  You can’t put a percentage on your desire to take a bath.

AE:  I can.  Two percent.

Me:  GAH.

Then after the bath is over, we have something similar to this:

Me:  AE, it’s time to get out.

AE:  I don’t want to get out.

Me:  Ten minutes ago you didn’t want to get in.

AE:  Now I want to stay in about 70%.

Me:  Then that’s 30% that you’re willing to get out.  So out you get.

AE:  But-

Me:  NO BUTS.  DON’T ARGUE WITH MY MATH.  GET OUT.  ONE HUNDRED PERCENT.

He does it at breakfast too:

Me:  What do you want for breakfast, AE?  Cereal?

AE:  Well, only about 6%.

Me:  What does that meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeean?  Cereal or not?

AE:  Welllllllllll, no.

Me:  What then?  Pop Tarts?  Do you want me to scramble some eggs?  [Ed. note:  Clearly this conversation took place on the weekend, lest anyone get the erroneous impression that I get up in time to do something like scramble eggs on a weekday.  No.]

AE:  No, eggs only 3%.

Me:  AE.  Just PICK SOMETHING.

AE:  Okay.  Cereal.

I find myself doing it too, because it is actually pretty fun to irritate people.  It turns out you can slap Fake Statistics on anything.  No research required!  My artistic ability:  3%.  Athletic ability:  12%.  Preference of white wine over reds:  95% (that one may have some actual basis in fact).  My ability to cut vegetables and not my own finger:  0% (oh wait, that one is a fact too).   

Try it!  Impress your friends with your math skills and amazing ability to quantify anything!  You better just hope they don’t ask you for proof.

This entry was posted on Friday, October 23rd, 2009 at 4:52 pm and is filed under Motherhood uncensored. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.