The puzzling sleep patterns of the N. modernishfather
I’m going through one of my occasional bouts of insomnia. This happens to me every six months or so, I have about a week-long period where my sleep is for crap. This time it’s made worse by the fact that N’s CPAP machine seems to be having issues. Whether it’s due to his recent weight-loss or what, I do not know, but he isn’t getting a good seal so the air leaks out of the mask and with the continuous sound of wooshing air, it’s like sleeping in a damn wind tunnel. There are simply not words to convey how irritating this is in the middle of the night.
Me: [sound asleep, 3 a.m.] zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
N: [sound asleep, blissfully unaware] PSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh
Me: [wide awake] GOD. NO. NOT AGAIN.
N: [silence]
Me: [dozing off]
N: PSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Me: [reaching over, adjusting mask] YOU ARE WOOSHING. SHUT UP.
N: [silence]
Me: [dozing off] zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
N: PSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Me: [covering head with pillow while cursing decision to get married in the first place]
You get the idea. This has been going on every. single. night for the last month or so, and it is incredibly frustrating. On the one hand, I can’t get too mad at N. It isn’t his fault, it’s not like he’s doing it on purpose. (At least I don’t think he is.) On the other hand, HE sleeps like the EFFING DEAD, so if the situations were reversed he certainly wouldn’t be losing any sleep over it.
And while I’m on the subject, in over 8 years of marriage I have yet to figure out a way to wake the man without scaring the shit out of him. Case in point:
Scene: Our couch, 8:59 p.m., Tuesday night. Kids are in bed. N is sound asleep, sitting up. I come and plop next to him because it’s time for one of the few TV shows that we actually watch together.
Me: Honey.
N: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Me: N. HONEY.
N: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Me: [patting his leg] Honey. Time to wake up, it’s about to come on.
N: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Me: N? Are you dead? Because you haven’t moved. [shaking his shoulder] N! Wake up, dammit!
N: [jumping a mile then staring like a deer in the headlights]
Me: N? Hello!
N: [staring blankly]
Me: Hello. I am your wife, this is our living room, and it is time for Sons of Anarchy.
N: [continuing to stare blankly]
Me: For God’s sake, man. Wake up.
N: [blinks]
GOOD LORD. I have never seen anything quite like it. It’s actually quite an amazing ability. He can fall asleep at the drop of a hat, anytime, anywhere (something I actually envy a great deal, as it takes a very specific set of circumstances for me to doze off), and once he’s asleep nothing bothers him. Ever. Not the sound of an alarm, or a child’s loud “whisper” directly in his ear, or the tinny cry of a baby over a monitor that is turned up too loud. Not even the nearby pacing of a 60-pound greyhound with plant-wilting breath disturbs his slumber in the slightest.
Advantageous for him, not so much for our children if I’m not around and there’s a fire in the middle of the night. Or, you know, if they need to be on time for something.
N: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Me: It’s time to get up. Your daughter is awake, and I need to get ready for work. [gently patting his leg]
N: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Me: Honey, PLEASE. [patting his arm, less gently] Wake up.
N: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Me: GET. UP. [poking him in the shoulder]
N: [gasping and sitting straight up as though poked with a hot branding iron instead of my finger] What?!?! Jeez, why can’t you just say ‘wake up’ instead of scaring me like that?
Sigh.
December 4th, 2009 at 4:31 pm
Me: Hello. I am your wife, this is our living room, and it is time for Sons of Anarchy.
HAHAHHAHAHAHA. Classic.
December 4th, 2009 at 5:22 pm
I’m glad I’m not the only one dealing with not sleeping watching someone who is keeping you awake sleeping.
December 4th, 2009 at 10:01 pm
Gah. The SOA season finale was crazy. Totally worth waking up for.
December 5th, 2009 at 5:33 pm
I vote for you just not waking me.
December 6th, 2009 at 12:13 am
Sounds like you both could use a Dreamhelmet. I’ve been a snorer for a long time. As I got older, my snoring has gotten more frequent and louder. I also noticed I was tired a lot and liked to take naps during the day. I was overweight. People complained about my snoring and I did not want to sleep in the same room with other people for fear of keeping them awake.
Finally, I asked my doctor about the problem. He sent me home with a machine to check my breathing and pulse while I slept. The results really shocked me! The doc said my airway was closing off up to 70 times each hour, and that I stopped breathing for as long as one full minute at a time! I had severe apnea. He strongly recommended I start using the CPAP machine, since I was risking damage to my heart due to lack of oxygen.
I had read about CPAP machines before and always thought I would never be able to sleep with one, since I am a little claustrophobic. Surprisingly, it only took me a few minutes to get used to, and I was able to start sleeping comfortably right away.
The mask part is just a small nose manifold that covers the nostrils to blow in air. That keeps the throat inflated like a balloon, preventing throat closures and snoring. One problem is the straps over the head that keep the nose piece in place. They can be a little annoying at first, and if you change sleeping positions at night, it is possible for these straps to move, causing the nose piece to slip off.
I have been using a Dreamhelmet (a combination sleep mask sound-muffling pillow) for years now, to sleep at night and for napping during the day. I always find it hard to sleep without the Dreamhelmet, and was afraid I would not be able to use it with the CPAP mask, but I was wrong about that too.
After using the CPAP machine and mask for a short while, I tried wearing the Dreamhelmet over the CPAP mask, covering up the straps – voila, it worked like a charm! I found that the Dreamhelmet actually helps keep the straps in place when I change positions, so now I can sleep all night in comfort, not being bothered by sound, light, or changing positions. The CPAP combined with the Dreamhelmet are the perfect sleeping combo for me. See and buy a Dreamhelmet only online: http://www.dreamhelmet.com
Now I don’t snore, I wake up rested, and I have energy that lasts all day long. I’m still overweight, but I don’t feel so run down all the time or feel like I need an afternoon nap, but I still carry an extra Dreamhelmet in the car with me just in case I do need a nap.
December 7th, 2009 at 4:19 pm
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That’s the dorkiest thing I think I’ve ever seen. And I know dorky.
December 17th, 2009 at 8:26 am
I could have written this exact post and substituted Allison for you and Paul for N. It is SO aggravating.