HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

At first there seemed to be hope.  After scoring the paper and trying that gooey wallpaper remover spray, I had little success but soon realized that dry-stripping the top layer of paper made the rest much easier to soak and scrape off.  Great!  Except NOT great, because two separate layers of peeling means twice the work.  But N and I got into a good rhythm on a couple of Saturday afternoons and I thought, okay.  We CAN do this.

(Spoiler alert: Nope.)

I’d peel a little paper every time I went in the bathroom, but after a while I lost steam.  I got busy on the weekends and wasn’t inclined to make a big sticky mess with the wallpaper remover.  School was keeping me busy, and work got crazy and I just never felt like messing with it.

We kind of got used to it.  Hideous as the situation was, I’d just lamely apologize whenever someone came to visit (usually family) and that was that.  I kept telling myself that we’d get it done eventually.

And then N took these pictures, and it really was that depressing. I started to realize that we’d possibly bitten off a little more than we could reasonably chew, and I dug up the name of a remodeling guy that a friend had used.

I called, he came, we paid.  And now we have this.

It’s exactly what I had envisioned for this low-key no-demo job, and I love it. Now my bathroom is nice and relaxing like a spa, not an ugly, stressful reminder of all the work that still remains.

Lesson learned: Suck it up and pay the experts. Check!

So.  From now on, I’ll refer to AE as Lex.  It’s a shortened version of his real name, but not what we actually call him.  I could go with Xander, I suppose, but he’d appreciate the comic book/video game/movie connection of Lex.  So Lex it shall be.

And Miss T shall now be Misty.  (See what I did there?  Am so clever, yes?)  Essentially that’s how I see it in my mind when I’m writing about her anyway, so there you go.  It isn’t anything close to her real name unless you count the fact that it also has five letters and contains T and S.  Heh.

And what about N, you ask?  That’s a very good question.  Many of the four readers that I have know his real name already.  It is out there on the internet anyway due to the nature of his job.  I could call him by his real name, but will not.  I shall call him Nic, for no other reason than it annoys the living hell out of him.

There you have it.  To sum up, Lex = AE, Misty = Miss T, and Nic = N.

*

Yesterday I went for my Free! Lasik! Consult! as touted by a Houston-based doctor that comes to my city once a week.  I’ve been thinking about lasik (LASIK? Lasik? oh who cares) for a while, and if I’m serious about getting into any sort of law enforcement – federal or otherwise – it’s pretty much a must.  My vision uncorrected is something god-awful like 20/400.  I can’t even see the big E without my glasses or contacts, and most law enforcement agencies won’t consider anyone with uncorrected vision worse than 20/100 for a field position.

Anyway, yesterday I went for an evaluation and within 45 minutes I was signed up for the procedure.  August 18, yo.  Supposedly after resting my eyes that afternoon, I’ll be able to drive myself to the follow-up appointment the next morning, totally corrective-aid free.  I find this hard to believe, but it sounds awesome.  And only possible through magic.  Certainly it will not involve lasers aimed at my eyeballs, because that is horrific and scary and shudder-inducing.

Denial.  It ain’t just a river in Egypt, people.

*

Nic (man, even I hate the way that looks but I will persist) and I found ourselves sans kids last week (they were both out of town visiting grandparents) and we hardly knew what to do with ourselves in the evenings.  We muddled through, going out to dinner several times and even squeezing in a movie – Horrible Bosses.

I highly recommend this movie, you guys.  If you’ve ever had a boss that you’ve hated even a little (and if you say you haven’t, I say you’re lying), this is the movie for you.  Office Space is another movie I recommend for disgruntled employees, but it’s more applicable for corporate drones stuck in a cubicle farm.  Horrible Bosses appeals to a much wider audience.  Almost everyone has a boss, and very few people adore theirs.

Jason Bateman is awesome as always and perfect in his role as the voice of reason.  It reminded me of his character in Arrested Development (another must-see) – the long-suffering normal person who inevitably finds himself in the midst of crazy people.  And I really don’t care for It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia (no link, just because) but Charlie Day was really funny and charming in a pathetic sort of way.  I didn’t think Jason Sudeikis was quite as good as the other two (probably because I’m never fond of the overgrown frat boy character), but every movie has to have a weak link and he did have some good lines.

The three bosses were cast perfectly as well.  Kevin Spacey was doing his standard thing, Jennifer Aniston was really vamping it up (her eye makeup was over-the-top and so not HER but it worked), and Colin Farrell does obnoxious and disgusting oh so very well.

The language is foul but the one-liners are great.  The theater was full and everyone laughed out loud throughout the entire movie.  There were none of the plot holes that I tend to expect in comedies – usually the writers are so focused on the jokes they tend to lose sight of the story, but not here.  And added bonus for me, the Old Lady Moviegoer that I am: only one scene made me cringe a little with crude “toilet humor”.  If (WHEN) you see it, you will know exactly what I mean and it really isn’t terrible at all, especially as compared to other “comedies” these days.  (OMG, Grandma?  Is that you?)

Horrible Bosses really isn’t anything you need to see on the big screen, of course.  Nic and I usually reserve that for blockbuster-type action movies that have impressive special effects, but since we had the opportunity (and I’d already seen Green Lantern which I’ll review some other time) we went for it.  Totally, totally worth the expense of the tickets and giant vat of Coke that Nic requires for any movie viewing – and I’ll definitely buy the DVD (or Blu-ray, I guess) whenever it comes out.  Two enthusiastic thumbs up:  one for me, and one for my movie reviewer by proxy.

Last week, in celebration of our 10th wedding anniversary, N and I took a 7-day cruise to the Caribbean on the Carnival Conquest.  And IT. WAS. AWESOME.  Wonderfully relaxing, and precisely what I needed after a looooooong semester of statistics and major stress. I truly couldn’t have asked for a more perfect vacation.

The boarding process is always rather lengthy and tedious so snobby traveling brat that I am, it isn’t really worth it to me to do anything less than a 7-day.  It takes so long to get on the damn ship that I’d feel like half my time was gone already.  I mean, come on.  Look at this line!

But once you make it on board and past the required lifeboat drill, it’s all good.  We were at sea the first two days, and it was weird not to have anything to DO.  No one was calling “Moooooooom!”, there was no studying to be done, no one needed a drink or a snack or to be let outside or driven anywhere or ANYTHING.  NO ONE needed me and I was able to just lay by the pool and relax.  I put in my headphones and read a trashy novel with a Sex on the Beach by my side and it was GLORIOUS.

But before we really get to that point, I have to:

• write a letter giving Mom permission to seek medical care for the kids and get it notarized
• make copies of our insurance cards
• notify both kids’ schools that my mom will be the only available emergency contact for that week
• compile a list of doctor/dentist/vet phone numbers and other contact info to leave at the house for Mom
• do a ton of laundry (apparently being done with class for the semester has made me lazy. I’ve done NOTHING of value for days now.)
• take N’s sport coat to the dry cleaners and get him some new dress pants
• set out AE’s baseball clothes and instructions to the fields, since poor Nonna will have to take him to at least 2 post-season tourney games
• brave the attic to find the garment bag, which hasn’t been used in ages and is probably now a bird nesting spot
• actually begin to pack

Fortunately, I have already:

• bought two swimsuits and two pair of flip-flops for myself, along with some shorts and shirts for N

So, you know.  There’s that.

In other news:

• I am furiously checking myASU to see if maybe final grades have been posted.  I know they won’t be until early next week and yet I cannot stop.  I need to know what I made in statistics, dammit!
• My car is in the shop.  Again.  I don’t even know what to say at this point.  Anyone in the market for a 2007 BMW X5 with undetermined mechanical problems?
• We’re going to a wedding next Saturday that starts at 10:30 in the morning.  I don’t have a clue what  you wear to a wedding at that time of day.
• AE has a project due on Monday.  We’re supposed to build a polar bear habitat.  We’ve known about it for WEEKS and have yet to start.  Procrastination, FTW!
• I got a Dyson vacuum recently and I LOVE it.  Vacuuming is the one household chore that I actually enjoy so I figured it was worth a splurge and thankfully I was right!
• Both of my children are being incredibly annoying today.  Or I am incredibly impatient.  Probably a little of both.  Either way, they need something (AGAIN) so I better wrap up the world’s most boring post.

Or so I thought.

My car started up just fine, but as I began to pull out of the gym parking lot there was a THUNK.  I don’t know how else to describe it, except that the THUNK was accompanied by a BUMP, as though I’d hit something.  That can’t be good, I thought, so I parked and inspected the underside of the car.  (Because I would know if something was wrong…maybe there would be a fire or a gushing fluid or a gnome holding a sign that says LOOK, HERE’S YOUR PROBLEM…okay fine SHUT UP.)  Anyway, since there were none of those things beneath my car and no Warning Light of Doom on the dashboard (seriously, this car gets upset about a lot of stuff), I was like, well, I guess it’s okay to drive home.

I’m sure by now you know where this is going, even if you don’t follow me on Facebook or Twitter.

It seemed okay as I pulled onto the road, although I noticed that the air conditioner didn’t seem to be blowing cold air.  I convinced myself it was because I’d just finished working out, that’s why I was so hot. But the further I got, the more obvious it became that no, that was decidedly NOT cold air coming from the vents, even though the display claimed it was 60 degrees.  Okay then.  I called N and asked him for the number of the local BMW dealership.

Because we just had non-air-conditioning-related warranty work done there last week, you see.

I called N just as I drove up to a major intersection.  An intersection where the traffic light happened to be on the fritz, so two cops were directing it manually.  Great, I thought, since I felt the steering wheel begin to vibrate under my hands.  From personal experience I know what THAT means.  The car was about to die.   And that was right about the point that the dash lit up like a Christmas tree.  TEMPERATURE WARNING, it said.  ENGINE OVERHEATING DANGER, SOS SOS EXCLAMATION POINT IN TRIANGLE HALP.  Nice timing, car.  Thanks for that.

I managed to steer off to the right, into a lane that’s been closed recently as part of a construction project.  There was just enough room for me to squeeze between two barriers and get completely out of traffic.  I called the dealership, and the service guy was very apologetic but pointed out that I needed to call BMW Assist before he could do anything.  Oh, right.  Oops.

About this time one of the traffic cops began to wonder what I was doing, so he wandered over and I rolled down the window.  “Sorry,” I said, and quickly explained my plight.  He nodded and went back to directing traffic.

So then I hit the magical emergency assist button that calls BMW.  And I have to say, this feature alone has now made every penny we paid for this car absolutely WORTH IT.  Within seconds I was connected with a very nice lady, who used the GPS tracker and pinpointed my location exactly.  I confirmed, explained my situation and she linked the call in with some other guy, who apparently handles the calls for towing companies.

He asked a few more questions, then informed me that a local company had been dispatched and the ETA was 70 minutes.

“Excuse me,” I said, “did you say seventy minutes?”

“Yes,” he replied.

“Where is the truck coming from,” I screeched, “Houston?!  Why an hour?  I can’t sit here for an hour!!  Nothing in this town is an hour away!!”  Possibly I was feeling a bit frazzled by this point.

“I’m sorry, ma’am,” the poor guy stammered, “that’s pretty standard.  They just put you in a queue and get there when they can.”

I sighed, thanked him and hung up.  My mom had called in the midst of all this, so I called her back to explain why I ignored her originally.  I called N back with an update, and then I called the dealership to explain that the tow truck likely wouldn’t get me there before they closed, yadda yadda I need a loaner car, what can we do and also this is YOUR FAULT since you supposedly “fixed” my car less than a week ago.  The cop came back to check on me – the traffic lights were working again and he wanted to make sure I was squared away before he left, which was nice.

A mere 20 minutes later, I was relieved to see the tow truck pull up.  Two trucks, actually.  I jumped out of the car and waited as the drivers worked to get it ready, and quite honestly was fascinated by their swift efficiency.  They had to use a special rig with temporary wheels under the front, which is apparently because my car has all-wheel drive.  (The driver explained all of this on the way to the dealership – he commented on how the X5 is actually considered a “curse” by tow truck operators because it’s generally very hard to tow.  That’s how he got stuck with it – as the newbie on the job they figured he needed the experience, hence the second, seemingly unnecessary, tow truck that I had been wondering about.  That was his supervisor.  Anyway.)

Long story short (TOO LATE), I got to the dealership before the service desk closed and basically refused to take NO for an answer to my question of “can I please have a loaner car?”  But my car insurance card expired YESTERDAY and even though I paid the next semi-annual premium I had forgotten to put the new card in my wallet.  OF COURSE I HAD.  So!  The service guy had to call State Farm and confirm that yes, I do in fact have coverage with them, blah-dee-blah sploo and yes, I can be trusted with a loaner car.

And that, my friends, is why there is a Volkswagen Jetta sitting in my garage.

Anyhow, I’ve been surviving as a single parent for the last several days while my husband is off playing local celebrity.  And quite frankly, I am exhausted.  I have a deep, profound respect for people who do this all the time because I am simply wiped out.  Miss T is…high energy, to say the least.  I could turn my back on toddler AE for whole minutes at a time without fear that he’d mortally injure himself or one of the pets.  Not so much with the little one, not to mention her propensity for running away and/or thrashing wildly when she doesn’t want to go somewhere or do something I’ve asked.  Parenting her at this age is very physical, is what I’m saying.  I need a nap.

I don’t really have anything of huge interest to report, just busy as usual. Let’s see…

• I made 100 on my first statistics test (whee!) and if the posted grade distribution is any indication I was one of just a few to destroy the curve.  Sorry, online classmates that I will never meet!  (But not really, because 100, bitches!)

• I have decided that N and I need to take a vacation this summer in celebration of our 10th (!) anniversary, so I’ve been searching for one that meets my very specific qualifications of A) passport required and B) tropical locale.  We’ll see what happens – N’s not really enamored of  the beach (and truth be told, I hate sand too but want to go someplace warm) and I don’t want to spend a ton of money, but we’ve got a bunch of airline miles saved up so that should give us some flexibility.  Plus, N is a master of finding awesome travel deals so I’m hopeful that we’ll find something fun without breaking the bank.

• Miss T is still working on certain aspects of potty training, and I am attempting to bribe her.  If she poops in the potty instead of her pants, she’ll get a sticker.  If she saves up five stickers, I’ll buy her a new My Little Pony.  I have little to no faith that this will actually work, but it certainly can’t make things worse.

• Evidently there was broccoli of questionable decency in the veggie tray I bought for my office Food Day on Friday, and as soon as the tray was opened we all nearly died of the stench.  I took it outside and threw it into the grass almost immediately but it was too late.  In what can only be described as Broccoligate, the smell had already permeated the entire building and had people talking about “that horrible smell” all day long.  I am sorry, coworkers, but this is not my fault.  For once, I actually did NOT buy the “manager’s special” tray with an imminent expiration date.  That broccoli should have been good at least through the weekend, so I refuse to claim responsibility for this.  Of course, that doesn’t matter because now I am the office pariah, known only as “the woman who brought the disgusting broccoli and nearly gassed us all”.  Lucky me.

• AE was picked as “Kid of the Week” for his after-school program, so that means he gets to go have lunch at a local restaurant with some of his counselors on Wednesday.  He’s pretty excited about it, and I’m very proud of him.  When I picked him up on Friday they told me how much they enjoy kids like AE – quiet, respectful and obedient.  Nice to know that at least one of my kids can be described with those words.

• I’m supposed to have jury duty tomorrow, and I am really hoping that when I call tonight the automated courthouse voice tells me that I don’t have to come.   Last time I had it, I was forced to make the 20-minute drive then stand around for over an hour before being dismissed.  Not that either of those things is a huge inconvenience but quite frankly, if I am going to be dismissed anyway then I’d rather save myself the trouble.

• My birthday is in less than 3 weeks, so maybe I should bring my “stuff I want” page up-to-date…you know, in case anyone wants to buy me things.  Particularly shiny ones.

*Not really (and I am pleased to report that I have successfully toasted at least five items in a row without flames), but I once read somewhere that screaming FIRE! is the best way to garner attention.  So there you go.

Just to look.

And possibly test-drive.

You see where this is going.

It’s a BMW X5.  And I love it.  LOOOOOOOOOOOOVE it.  And good thing too because I’ll be driving it until I die, but oh, it will be WORTH IT.

Over Memorial Day weekend, N and I went to Baltimore for his college roommate’s wedding.  We hadn’t seen a lot of his friends in years (since the last one of them got married in San Antonio five years ago, probably), so it was nice for N to get the chance to catch up.  He hung out with them both nights we were there, leaving me alone in a hotel room.  Which was fine, I’m certainly capable of entertaining myself (which in this case consisted mainly of watching TV and tweeting about having forgotten to pack pajamas).

Unfortunately I also forgot to pack a necklace for the wedding, which bothers me every time  I look at this picture.  Oh well.

The reception venue was very pretty, the appetizers were yummy and the wine was free-flowing.  So even though I don’t know most of N’s high school/college buddies very well (and was the only wife in attendance) I still had a nice time.  Beyond the wedding, we managed to sneak a little sight-seeing into a very quick, but quite enjoyable trip.

Then I had a few days to recover before the very next weekend, when it was time for another wedding.  My brother-in-law (Bill) got hitched in League City, Texas.  N was the best man, AE was one of the ring bearers and Miss T was a flower girl, so everyone got the chance to get all dressed up.

AE is not happy about having his wee sister on his lap at the rehearsal.  “Can we please go now?”

After a while, Miss T was done with the rehearsal too, and as you can see was being difficult when it came to having her picture  made.  It is not easy to hold that kid when she wants to be put down.

Personally, I think my kids were the cutest little wedding attendants in the history of marriage, but it is possible I’m biased.

It was hotter than hell during the ceremony, but that may have just been a manifestation of my stress since I ended up wrangling children that did not belong to me.  As a general rule, I do not like other people’s kids.  And that is all I have to say about that.

There was plenty of dancing and it certainly seemed like everyone was having a good time.  Although at dinner I did discover my own personal version of hell:  children + rented and/or expensive clothing + chocolate fountain = GAH.  But in the end, all was well, and now I have a new sister-in-law.  Welcome to the family!

Ever since we made it home, I’ve found myself mired down in laundry and playing catch-up at work and just keeping up with life in general.  N and I are taking AE to Denver later this week, so the next few days will be spent getting prepped and ready for that.  Miss T will be spending that time with her beloved Nonna (my mother), but AE is actually in The Swamp at the moment so we’ll have to do the meet-and-swap some time before our flight out on Thursday afternoon.  Anyhoo, all that to say, I very likely won’t be updating again before we return from Denver, so see you on the flip side!

My dryer is a piece of shit, doo-dah, doo-dah*

The damn thing has started eating drawstrings.  It happened a few times before, but it was sporadic and so I didn’t think much of it but now it’s happening all the time.  There’s this little crevice above the door where the drawstring can evidently get hung.  Last night N and I were watching TV when all of a sudden the dryer noise changed.  I got up to investigate and sure enough, the drawstring of his new running shorts had gotten wedged into that hole.  I rescued them in time, but I lost a dress just a few weeks ago when the string got hung and the dress tumbled and tumbled around it until the string eventually snapped.  A pair of AE’s shorts got all jacked up this weekend, and prior to that a pair of pajama pants fell victim.  What is causing this?  The hole where the strings get hung is not a flaw or something that recently happened.  It’s part of the design.  It’s been there all along.  I’ve been using this dryer for almost four years and suddenly this is a problem?  I’ll tell you right now, I have no qualms about chucking the thing if it continues, that’s for damn sure.  It doesn’t dry my clothes anyway!  ARE YOU LISTENING, DRYER?!  YOU WERE ALREADY ON MY LIST FOR SUCKING AT YOUR ONLY JOB.  IF YOU CONTINUE TO EAT MY CLOTHES I’M KICKING YOUR ASS TO THE CURB.  Ahem.

*”Camptown Races” is the base melody N and I tend to use for a wide variety of catchy made-up song lyrics.  I don’t know.

My daughter sets me straight

Miss T was up past her usual bedtime the other night and consequently got pretty fussy as I was putting her in pajamas.

Miss T: I tired!  I wan my bed!

Me: I know, baby.  Me too.

Miss T: [giving me the Angry Eyes and pointing at the crib]  No.  Dat my bed.  Your bed in your room.

Believe me, kid, I’m not going to fold my 5’8″ self into your tiny little crib when I’ve got a king-size pillow-top mattress a few rooms away.  But thanks for clearing that up!

Mini movie review:  xXx

Why had I not watched this before now?  It was fun!  Exactly what I love in a movie!  Mindless action, great locales, and it didn’t try and take itself too seriously.  Vin Diesel obviously isn’t going for an Oscar, he was just having a good time.  Asia Argento is as gorgeous as the Prague backdrop, and it had just the right mix of action and storyline.  N watched it with me and didn’t complain once, and though we both agreed that the plot could have definitely been better-developed, it wasn’t terrible.  Plus, Samuel L. Jackson is just cool.  Thumbs up!

Fortunately, I like to be busy

We have sooooo much coming up over the next couple of months.  I don’t think we have a free weekend until after returning from Denver in mid-June, then we have a short breather before another round of travel in July.  Baseball games, gymnastics exhibitions, weddings, birthday parties, family visits, business trips…the summer is filling up fast.  It really kind of makes me wonder what we’ll do with ourselves when the kids are grown up and out of the house.  We’ll have a lot of free time, that’s for sure.

Unrelated

I ran 5 miles today.  That is all.

Scene:  At home, around 9:15 p.m. on a weeknight.  My cell phone rings, from a number I don’t recognize.  I answer anyway.

Local cable provider sales guy:  Hello, Ms. [Totally Botched Attempt at Pronouncing My Last Name]!  How are you this evening?

Me:  It’s [Correct Pronunciation of My Last Name].  I’m fine, thanks.

LCPSG:  Well, I’m calling to let you know about our special offer!  Right now, if you sign up for our long-distance service-

Me:  Stop right there.  We don’t have a land line.

LCPSG:  I’m sorry?

Me:  No land line.  I’m not interested in any sort of long-distance package.

LCPSG:  Oh.  I see.  Well is there something else you would be interested in?

Me:  Only if you can lower my current bill and keep my cable and internet package exactly the same.

LCPSG:  Hmm.  Let me see what you have here…it seems the only package I can offer is the long-distance, which is an excellent deal at-

Me:  I’m really not interested, thank you.

LCPSG:  But you really can’t beat a deal like this!

Me:  Sure I can.  By not having a land line.

LCPSG:  [pause]  Well okay!  Have a nice night!

*****

Scene:  On the phone with the company that comes to fertilize our lawn every quarter, something I’ve been intending to cancel for ages.

Customer service rep:  Hello, Ms. [Totally Botched Attempt at Pronouncing My Last Name].  This is Joan.

Me:  Hi, Joan.  I’m calling to cancel our treatment service.

Joan:  I see.  Have you been dissatisfied with the service at all?

Me:  Nope.  Just want to cancel it.

Joan:  May I ask why?

Me:  Because it’s expensive, and we don’t really need it, and we’re trying to save money wherever we can.

Joan:  Oh.  Well, is there anything I can do to keep you as a customer?

Me:  I doubt it.  I just want to cancel.

Joan:  I can offer you half off your next treatment.

Me:  No, thank you.  Just cancel, please.

Joan:  Maybe you would just like to cut the service back to twice a year?

Me:  Nope.  Zero times a year.  I would like to cancel, please.

Joan:  [sighs]  Okay.  Hold on a moment, let me get your cancellation confirmation number.