Scene: My cubicle at the office, around 10 a.m.  My mom called to ask a question.

Mom: I’m sorry to bother you at work, but I need to know what that thing is called that my friends gave me at my retirement party.

Me: That wine tasting cup?  I have no idea.  Why?

Mom: Yeah, that.  I’m trying to write thank you notes and want to refer to it by name.  Didn’t someone call it something that started with an s?  Somm-something?

Me: Sommelier?  That’s not the cup, that’s the guy that uses it.

Mom: Are you sure?  Then what’s the other thing called?

Me: I don’t know, why don’t you just call it a wine tasting cup?

Mom: Because I want to know what it is really called.

Me: Fine.  Let me google it.  [hoping my nearby coworkers are enjoying their impromptu wine lesson]  Here we go, it’s a Tastevin.

Mom: A what?

Me: It’s pronounced taht-VAHN.

Mom: Okay…how do you spell that?

Me: T-A-S-T-E-V-I-N.

Mom: T-A-S-T-B-I-N.

Me: No!  T-A-S-T-EEEEEEEE-V-as-in-Victor-I-N.  [acutely aware that at least 6 people can clearly hear my end of the conversation]

Mom: T-A-S-T-V-I-N.

Me: [getting annoyed]  Mother!

Coworker with adjoining cubicle: [unable to keep from laughing any longer]

Me: You do realize that my coworkers can hear me and probably now think I am insane.

Mom: Oops. [laughing]  I’m sorry!  One more time.

Me: Taste.  Vin.  V-I-N.

Mom: Oh!  So like you’re tasting wine.

Me: [bangs head against desk]

Over Memorial Day weekend, N and I went to Baltimore for his college roommate’s wedding.  We hadn’t seen a lot of his friends in years (since the last one of them got married in San Antonio five years ago, probably), so it was nice for N to get the chance to catch up.  He hung out with them both nights we were there, leaving me alone in a hotel room.  Which was fine, I’m certainly capable of entertaining myself (which in this case consisted mainly of watching TV and tweeting about having forgotten to pack pajamas).

Unfortunately I also forgot to pack a necklace for the wedding, which bothers me every time  I look at this picture.  Oh well.

The reception venue was very pretty, the appetizers were yummy and the wine was free-flowing.  So even though I don’t know most of N’s high school/college buddies very well (and was the only wife in attendance) I still had a nice time.  Beyond the wedding, we managed to sneak a little sight-seeing into a very quick, but quite enjoyable trip.

Then I had a few days to recover before the very next weekend, when it was time for another wedding.  My brother-in-law (Bill) got hitched in League City, Texas.  N was the best man, AE was one of the ring bearers and Miss T was a flower girl, so everyone got the chance to get all dressed up.

AE is not happy about having his wee sister on his lap at the rehearsal.  “Can we please go now?”

After a while, Miss T was done with the rehearsal too, and as you can see was being difficult when it came to having her picture  made.  It is not easy to hold that kid when she wants to be put down.

Personally, I think my kids were the cutest little wedding attendants in the history of marriage, but it is possible I’m biased.

It was hotter than hell during the ceremony, but that may have just been a manifestation of my stress since I ended up wrangling children that did not belong to me.  As a general rule, I do not like other people’s kids.  And that is all I have to say about that.

There was plenty of dancing and it certainly seemed like everyone was having a good time.  Although at dinner I did discover my own personal version of hell:  children + rented and/or expensive clothing + chocolate fountain = GAH.  But in the end, all was well, and now I have a new sister-in-law.  Welcome to the family!

Ever since we made it home, I’ve found myself mired down in laundry and playing catch-up at work and just keeping up with life in general.  N and I are taking AE to Denver later this week, so the next few days will be spent getting prepped and ready for that.  Miss T will be spending that time with her beloved Nonna (my mother), but AE is actually in The Swamp at the moment so we’ll have to do the meet-and-swap some time before our flight out on Thursday afternoon.  Anyhoo, all that to say, I very likely won’t be updating again before we return from Denver, so see you on the flip side!

• “xxx mom” – Whatever floats your boat, I guess.
• “mom xxx” – Fine, fine.  Whatevs.  We get it.  Disturbing though it may be.
• “i want to watch, mom and son xxx videos” – I really could have lived my entire life without knowing that people have fetishes like this one.
• “mom home make videos xxx” – Ew.
• “i want suck mom.com” – Just, no.
• “xxx mom movies” – Why?  WHY.
• “mom sucking boy” – OH MY GOD.

The good news is, clearly none of these people found what they were looking for as none of them actually stayed on the site long enough to read anything.  The bad news…well, that should be self explanatory, and if it isn’t, I can’t help you.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go take a shower.  Or ten.

Well, that’s it!  That’s the whole post.  I found that single sentence saved in my drafts just now and am wondering why in the hell I bothered to save it.  I’m also wondering what it is that we were supposed to know, exactly.  Hmm.

I don’t really have anything cohesive to write about, but feel sort of obligated to throw something up.  Meh.  Here, have some bullet points:

• AE somehow managed to stab himself in the hand with a pencil on Saturday night.  It was pretty impressive, actually.  He was totally upright and then all of a sudden he was on the ground with a bloody puncture wound.  Fortunately, he seems none the worse for wear, especially when you consider how big of a wuss he can be sometimes.
• Miss T’s gym had their “mini-Olympics” on Saturday.  We still expect her to react to large crowds and/or new situations like her brother would have at that age (or now, if we’re being honest) – slack-jawed and dazed with a complete loss of ability to focus.  However, she did great, showing off her prowess on the various apparatus (apparati?  apparatuses?) and just generally being cute.  All the participants got a T-shirt and a trophy, so she was pretty excited about that.
• I’m swamped at work.  SWAMPED.  I know I say that a lot but OMFG I MEAN IT FOR REALS THIS TIME.  Holy hell.  For every thing I get done 3 more things appear on my desk.  I’ve got people I haven’t heard from in weeks suddenly appearing to submit proposals.  It isn’t just me, either.  Almost every single person in my department is about ready to scream.  I keep hoping that some of the faculty will go away for the summer and give us a break, but so far, no dice.
• N and I are leaving for Baltimore on Friday to go to his college roommate’s wedding.  I’m really looking forward to it.  I love air travel, and weddings, and dressing up, so I win all around!  I’ve got a new dress for the wedding, and MacGyvered a pretty impressive belt solution to my as-yet-unworn rehearsal dinner dress (if I do say so myself).  Pictures of my genius to follow post-wedding, I promise.
• Speaking of MacGyver, I understand that the new MacGruber movie tanked.  BWAHAHAHAHA SERVES THEM RIGHT FOR MAKING FUN OF MY BELOVED MAC.  Ahem.  <——NERD
• I am ridiculously, embarrassingly excited about the NCIS season finale tomorrow night.  (See above re:  nerd.)  But that’s okay!  I will not apologize because it’s a great show.
• August needs to hurry up and get here.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m looking forward to everything we have going on this summer, but my first grad school class begins on August 17 and am really looking forward to getting started.
• I have reserved my spicy chicken sandwich at the local Chick-fil-A on Tuesday, June 1, between the hours of 11 a.m. and 2 p.m.  N made fun of me when I gleefully announced my reservation confirmation, but who will be enjoying  their yummy FREE lunch that day?  This bitch, that’s who.  No free sandwiches for poo-pooing skeptics.  It’s a Doodles the Chicken policy.
• I’m never sure how to end a bullet point list.  So, the end.

2.  How someone walked off with my car keys after leaving the child care at the gym and did not notice for almost 10 minutes.  What is it that you were doing on the way to your car, lady?  The parking lot isn’t that big.

3.  Why it is that my daughter can take 394732893578540 hours to eat one cereal bar and a handful of Craisins.

4.  This.  Holy Mary, Mother of God, I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THIS:

Why?  WHYYYYYYYYYYYY is my dryer doing this to my clothes?!  No, why is my dryer doing this to ME?  Maybe it is possessed too.  It’s the only thing I can come up with as to why a years-old dryer with no obvious flaw or recent damage is suddenly eating drawstrings and tumbling my clean laundry into a GIANT EFFING KNOT.  Yes.  Demonic possession.  It’s the only reasonable explanation.

5.  Why at work I am either swamped or completely dead.  It’s either WORK WORK WORK NOW NOW NOW OMG HURRY UP FASTER HURRYHURRYTHINGSAREBURSTINGINTOFLAMES or I don’t get a single e-mail or phone call all day.  PLEASE TO EXPLAIN.

6.  How my memory is so shot, at the age of 31, that I cannot even remember the sixth thing that I don’t get.

7.  WHY MY DAUGHTER IS NOT ASLEEP YET OMFG.

My dryer is a piece of shit, doo-dah, doo-dah*

The damn thing has started eating drawstrings.  It happened a few times before, but it was sporadic and so I didn’t think much of it but now it’s happening all the time.  There’s this little crevice above the door where the drawstring can evidently get hung.  Last night N and I were watching TV when all of a sudden the dryer noise changed.  I got up to investigate and sure enough, the drawstring of his new running shorts had gotten wedged into that hole.  I rescued them in time, but I lost a dress just a few weeks ago when the string got hung and the dress tumbled and tumbled around it until the string eventually snapped.  A pair of AE’s shorts got all jacked up this weekend, and prior to that a pair of pajama pants fell victim.  What is causing this?  The hole where the strings get hung is not a flaw or something that recently happened.  It’s part of the design.  It’s been there all along.  I’ve been using this dryer for almost four years and suddenly this is a problem?  I’ll tell you right now, I have no qualms about chucking the thing if it continues, that’s for damn sure.  It doesn’t dry my clothes anyway!  ARE YOU LISTENING, DRYER?!  YOU WERE ALREADY ON MY LIST FOR SUCKING AT YOUR ONLY JOB.  IF YOU CONTINUE TO EAT MY CLOTHES I’M KICKING YOUR ASS TO THE CURB.  Ahem.

*”Camptown Races” is the base melody N and I tend to use for a wide variety of catchy made-up song lyrics.  I don’t know.

My daughter sets me straight

Miss T was up past her usual bedtime the other night and consequently got pretty fussy as I was putting her in pajamas.

Miss T: I tired!  I wan my bed!

Me: I know, baby.  Me too.

Miss T: [giving me the Angry Eyes and pointing at the crib]  No.  Dat my bed.  Your bed in your room.

Believe me, kid, I’m not going to fold my 5’8″ self into your tiny little crib when I’ve got a king-size pillow-top mattress a few rooms away.  But thanks for clearing that up!

Mini movie review:  xXx

Why had I not watched this before now?  It was fun!  Exactly what I love in a movie!  Mindless action, great locales, and it didn’t try and take itself too seriously.  Vin Diesel obviously isn’t going for an Oscar, he was just having a good time.  Asia Argento is as gorgeous as the Prague backdrop, and it had just the right mix of action and storyline.  N watched it with me and didn’t complain once, and though we both agreed that the plot could have definitely been better-developed, it wasn’t terrible.  Plus, Samuel L. Jackson is just cool.  Thumbs up!

Fortunately, I like to be busy

We have sooooo much coming up over the next couple of months.  I don’t think we have a free weekend until after returning from Denver in mid-June, then we have a short breather before another round of travel in July.  Baseball games, gymnastics exhibitions, weddings, birthday parties, family visits, business trips…the summer is filling up fast.  It really kind of makes me wonder what we’ll do with ourselves when the kids are grown up and out of the house.  We’ll have a lot of free time, that’s for sure.

Unrelated

I ran 5 miles today.  That is all.

Weekend in brief

N and I went to Dallas over the weekend for the Big D Marathon.  N ran the half while Val and I did the 5K (my first official, timed race).  The weather was great for running, and even though I’ve been having problems with my left ankle it went really well.  Plus we hadn’t seen Val in quite a while, so it was great to catch up.  My parents had the kids all weekend so it was a win all around.

Glad it wasn’t me

One of my coworkers forgot his wife’s birthday today.  He was telling me about a conversation he had with her this morning, and man – she caught the poor bastard red-handed.

SOL coworker:  So I was giving her a hard time about lunch plans – ‘Just tell me!  Should I pack my lunch or are we going to meet somewhere?  Come on, just decide!’ and she goes ‘Well, I figured we could go out since it’s my birthday…’ and then I was like, D’OH.

Me:  Um yeah, d’oh.  Haven’t you guys been married for like 20 years?  How could you forget her birthday?!

SOL coworker:  I don’t know!  This is never happened to me before!  What do I do?!

Me:  I recommend sending flowers to her office.  Like, now.

SOL coworker:  I think I will.  Oh, this is bad.  This is very very bad.

Me:  FAIL.

SOL coworker:  Epic.

Break time

I’m really glad that I have several trips on the horizon, because work is becoming ridiculous.  I don’t know what the deal is, but the work is UNENDING.  I get one thing off my plate and three more take its place.  Phone calls, bizarre inquiries, last minute proposals and cluelessness abound these days.  Do you know what I would like?  I would like ONE DAMN DAY where I don’t have to rush rush rush from the second I walk in the building until the minute it’s time to go home.  A day where I can drink my coffee before it gets cold, a day where I don’t feel like I have to eat lunch at my desk.  I know these days aren’t just a myth because I used to have them from time to time.  I would like to place an order, please.

File under Things I Never Thought I’d Say:

“You can’t poop when you’re perched on the edge of the toilet!  Get your butt in the hole!”

• “i hate april”, “i hate april showers” and ”i hate the month of april” - Fair enough.  I don’t dislike April as much as I loathe November, but sometimes it does suck.
• “you know you have arrived as a” – As a what?  WHAT?
• “do donuts need to be refrigerated?” – The eternal question.
• “452354″ – A sequence of numbers which has absolutely no significance to me whatsoever.
• “globs in mouthwash after spitting” – That’s gross, and I’d say it means you need to brush your teeth better.
• “greyhound sleep patterns” – There’s not really much of a pattern involved.  Anywhere, anytime, approximately 23 hours a day.
• “how to make rock candy” – Don’t ask me. 
• “i looked nothing like my family growing up. do you know me” – I hope you found the answers you were searching for, Mystery Googler.
• “my cat is a moron” – You have my sympathies.  I feel your pain.
• “i actually fancy myself” – I don’t even know what to say to that.  Or to the next one,
• “my husband fingers me” – …congratulations?

and finally, my favorite result of the month:  “mom wet pushy”.  Do with that what you will.

Happy Friday to all, and I hope you have a wonderful Easter weekend.

*Aside to my sister’s “dorky” childhood friend:  I get an e-mail from Google analytics each month that gives me this info.  I don’t know how to sign up for it, or how else you would track it, or even how it works in the first place.  It could be magic, as far as I know.  Blogging knowledge FAIL.  That’s what my webmaster husband is for. 

Finally people started interacting a little bit, and the coach’s wife came over to chat with AE.  I was surprised at how casually he held a conversation with her.  I still think of him as a preschooler or something, I guess, and am always prepared to answer questions FOR him, like I do with Miss T (although she doesn’t need me to do it either).  But the woman was asking him all sorts of things about his school, does this teacher still teach second grade, do Mrs. So-and-so and Ms. Doe still team-teach, is Mrs. Smith still there.  And he knew all the answers, knowledgeably explaining that no, this teacher now does third grade, Ms. Doe is now team-teaching with a new teacher, and Mrs. Smith now exclusively does speech therapy.  I was so impressed!  When did my little boy become a functional member of society?  He has this whole life outside of mine!  He knows things that I have no idea about!  Crazy!

**********

N and I have apparently decided to go on a travel spree of sorts.

It gets started Memorial Day weekend.  We’re going to Baltimore for his college roommate’s wedding, something we’ve had planned for well over a month.

Then last week, we finally bit the bullet and booked a trip to Denver for mid-June.  We haven’t been back out there since we moved away (almost 7 years ago, GAWD), and AE is old enough now to really appreciate and remember a visit.  So we’ll take him on the grand nostalgic (for us) tour, this is where we used to live, there’s where you were born, etc., and of course we’ll also hit the zoo and Casa Bonita.  (Because no trip to the Denver area is complete without experiencing the weirdness that is Casa Bonita.  Have you seen that episode of South Park?  Yeah.  It’s totally like that.)

And Friday night, we completely lost our minds and booked YET ANOTHER trip, this time to San Francisco in late July.  Why, you ask?  Well, I’m starting grad school in August, and there’s no way we’ll have the time/energy/MONEY to travel very much over the next few years.  So this will be our last hurrah of sorts.  We’ve actually already been to SF (and oh, we adore it) but the draw this time is the marathon.  As you  know, N has already completed a couple of half-marathons, and has another planned for next month (oh yes, and we’re going to Dallas sans kids that weekend.  My poor parents, who are stuck on Kid Duty for all of these wanderings.)  But after April, marathons are pretty hard to come by around here because it’s just too damn hot.  So San Francisco it is.

I’m very excited.  And while N contemplates upping the ante and spending the next 4 months training for the full marathon (AH MAH GAH), I am actually considering going for the half myself.  I’ve recently begun running, you see, and it’s true what they say.  It is addictive.  I think I’ll run the 5K when we go to Dallas, then see if I can’t find a few more of those around here (nice thing about a college town – there are plenty of student organizations to sponsor them).  I do love a challenge, and if training for a half-marathon isn’t a challenge I don’t know what would be.  I think they payoff will be worth the inevitable pain and suffering – I mean, come on.  The half-marathoners get to run across the Golden Gate Bridge.  Twice!

No matter what happens – I think it’s pretty clear I’ve totally lost my marbles.  For reals this time.

Grandma: You know.  Helen.  She’s Bill’s cousin’s wife.

Mee-Mee: [thinking]  Hmm.  No, I don’t think I know her.

Grandma: Yes, yes you do.  Helen Smith!  She used to go to your church.

Mee-Mee: [confused]  No…?  I…I just don’t remember her.

Grandma: [gearing up for a long, drawn-out story that will undoubtedly be pointless]  Well-

Aunt Glo: [rolling her eyes]  Oh, please.  Bottom line?  She’s dead.

Me: [unable to keep from laughing hysterically]

N: [also laughing hysterically]

AE: [always the voice of reason] I don’t think that’s appropriate.

*****

Scene:  Our bedroom.  Miss T is using the bed as her personal trampoline.

Me: Hey!  No jumping on the bed, please.

Miss T: I jump on bed!  Is tamp-o-een.

Me: No.  No, it is NOT a trampoline.  It’s a bed.  For sleeping.

Miss T: [still jumping]  Fo seeping?

Me: Yes.  For sleeping.  Not jumping.

Miss T: [thinking it over]  Is tamp-o-een!

Me: No, it isn’t.  Come on, let’s go play in the living room.  No more jumping.  Come on, now.

Miss T: [waving and jumping]  Bye-bye, Mama!  Mama go play dollhouse!  See oo yater!

N: I think she just told you to get lost.

Me: I believe she did.

Miss T: [jumping and grinning]  Bye!

*****

Scene:  Reminiscing as we drive around the swamp, late Saturday evening.

Me: There’s Dairy Bar.  Man, it looks exactly the same.

N: That place is nasty.  I didn’t set foot in there until I was a teenager, then I turned around and walked right back out.

Me: Well, we used to eat there all the time when I was growing up.  Because it was so close to the house, I guess.  [pointing out window]  We used to live right over there.

N: [puzzled]  What?  Goddamn, how many places did you live growing up?  I thought you lived over there.  [pointing in the opposite direction]

Me: [also puzzled]  What are you talking about?  We never lived over there.  Why would you think we lived over there?

N: [indignant]  Because you told me that you lived over there.  We drove past it one day!

Me: Noooo, I don’t think so.

N: Yes!  Yes, why would I make up something like that?  You told me you lived over there!!

Me: Why would I make up something like THAT? It isn’t TRUE!!  We never lived anywhere near there!

N: I think you did.

Me: For God’s sake, man.  I may be forgetful, but I don’t think I would be wrong about the location of my childhood home!

N: Maybe you had a friend or something that lived over there?

Me: No.  No one.  At no point did I, or anyone I know, live in that neighborhood.  I just don’t have any clue where you’re coming up with this.

N: [pulling into my parents' driveway]  We’ll settle this.  I’ll ask your mother.  She’ll know.

Me: I don’t need to ask my mother.  I know!  We never lived over there!

N: I think you did.

Me: GAH!!