Adventures in domesticity - NonSoccerMom.com

Here we are

NonSoccerMom — Tue, 16 Dec 2014 05:08:51 +0000

I really do want to get back into blogging, so I guess the best thing to do is just a little free association-type writing…and a few updates.

The Job – is the job. Good days and bad, just like any job. I have a great team and have made some good friends. That is all I’m going to say about that.

The Schools – are great. T is in 1st grade this year (I KNOW) and A is in 6th. So they’re not at the same school anymore…we got to enjoy that for all of one year, but I guess that’s more than we would have in our old district (the elementary only went up to 4th grade there). Anyway, the middle school transition has gone remarkably well for A and I’m very proud of him. And the schools are only 6 blocks apart so it isn’t a big deal – I drop them both off at T’s elementary in the mornings and A walks down to school with his buddies since it starts much later. Easy.

The House – is also great. Total dumb luck that we found a place to meet our needs in a city with such a crazy rental market, but we really enjoy both the neighborhood and the house itself.

The Pets – still alive, annoyingly enough. I’m kidding, sort of, but the dog is old and starting to become incontinent and, well, it’s exactly as fun as it sounds.

The Husband’s Job – is going well, I think. He’s actually on his second job since moving out here and now works at the same university I do, though in a different department and at a different location within the city.

The Holiday Plans – second (third) verse, same as the first. We’re headed back to Texas for two weeks to visit family. But we are going to Disney World starting on Christmas Eve (through T’s birthday) so everyone is very excited about that. It’s what we decided to do with my parents, sister and brother-in-law instead of exchanging gifts and so forth but as I’m sure you can surmise, it isn’t exactly the same cost-wise. Oh well.

So there you have it, in a nutshell and with almost no editing. The state of things, such as they are. I’m back, baby.

The post Here we are first appeared on NonSoccerMom.com.

A slew of annoyances (and parentheses)

NonSoccerMom — Mon, 19 Nov 2012 03:47:23 +0000

Um, hey there. I still have a blog and stuff, it seems. I’m really quite tired of beginning each post with an explanation of where I’ve been. (Something that I suppose could be avoided by updating regularly, hmm.) The actual fact of the matter is, I haven’t felt like writing. I’m tired, okay? And whiny. The shiny newness of living in a different city is wearing off (as I knew it would) and while I adore San Francisco and have no regrets, the day-to-day minutiae have become exhausting and occasionally overwhelming. (Just as they do anywhere, I suppose.)

First off, over these past months I have gained an enormous respect for all the single parents of the world, whether they’re there by choice or happenstance. No matter the reason you find yourself in that situation, there are few things quite as trying as being the sole caregiver for children. Kids – now this is a little groundbreaking, so bear with me – tend to be demanding, ungrateful and less than helpful. I KNOW! Shocking. It turns out that being the only adult available to make sure they’re clean, fed, behaving properly and (reasonably) happy is a tall order. N has always been far better at playing with them – he’s the fun parent. My role is more like a…drill sergeant. I’m great at keeping everyone in the routine – making sure that things are where they belong, lunches are packed, schedules are kept and everyone brushes their teeth. That sort of thing. It’s been a struggle for me to be in charge of entertainment as well. I try to find fun stuff to fill the time on the weekends, but with kids 5+ years apart in age, it can be hard to find something that they both enjoy.

Anyway. That said, we’re doing fine. We really are. I have occasional tantrums on social media (prompting my mother to call and scold me – “You be nice to my babies!”), I complain to family and friends over the phone and through email, and admittedly I often have less patience with the kids than I should. But overall, everyone is okay. We miss N terribly and sometimes rather desperately, but we really are okay.

For the most part. In addition to missing N for the wonderful father and husband that he is, and the stability he provides both as a partner and a parent, it is apparent that I need him around for other reasons as well. Clearly I rely on his rational (read: adult) thinking skills quite a bit. Here, let me give you some examples.

Exhibit A: Extreme Toilet Fail – I’ll spare you the details, but as the upstairs toilet began to overflow in a spectacular fashion I learned that my coping mechanism for such things is to scream obscenities while flailing for the water shutoff. By the time I managed to turn it off, I was ankle deep in…unclean…water, with tears of fury and frustration running down my face. It’s funny now, but at the time I was so upset my hands were shaking. You see, I’d just cleaned the entire house that morning (and done all of the laundry) so OF COURSE the toilet would time its rebellion to coincide with my clean floors. As I was using every towel we own to soak up the mess (thereby creating a ton more laundry) (and props to Lex, by the way, who clearly reacts much better in a toilet crisis than his mother) Misty said tearily from her relatively dry vantage point in the hallway, “Daddy should be here to help us with this.” No joke, kid.

Exhibit B: Wee Hours Mystery Alarm – I tend to suffer fairly regular bouts of insomnia, where I go to sleep without issue but then wake around 2:30 in the morning and am unable to settle back down. This turned out to be a good thing one morning last week, because I was up and surfing the internet when an alarm started blaring. Fortunately it was only four short (if shrill) bursts, and it didn’t wake the kids. By the time my heart rate returned to normal, I noticed that the furnace was making weird sounds. Somehow, because at 4 in the morning it made perfect sense, I decided that the alarm and furnace noise were related. So I went into the (dark, scary) garage using the flashlight app on my phone (yes, there are lights in the garage) (it was 4 in the morning, remember) and found a big switch on the furnace that said ON/OFF. I turned it off and emailed my landlord*, who was able to stop by the next day and diagnose the alarm as a dying motion sensor battery. Turns out nothing was wrong with the furnace other than my own paranoia. Which brings me to:

Exhibit C: I Am An Idiot – Anyone who knows me is aware that I’m not a fan of gas appliances. I don’t like having open flames in my kitchen, okay? And yes, I see now that they cook faster/more evenly/blah blah whatever, but I’m not a cook by any means and so this isn’t a huge deal for me. I’ve learned to cope with the range, but the oven was making an off-putting hissing sound accompanied by a gas smell. For someone like me who is uncomfortable cooking with gas anyway, this sends me directly into the Panic Zone (which is only a short distance from Crazytown, evidently). I convinced myself that there was a leak and if I used the oven we would surely die, and for a woman who feeds her kids frozen pizza more often than is probably healthy this is not an ideal situation. So I called the gas company and after several reschedules finally got the guy out here for him to tell me “Ma’am, this oven is perfectly fine. It’s supposed to smell and sound like that.” D’oh.

Exhibit D: No, Really. An Idiot – I was having a bad day last week. The kind where nothing has really gone terribly wrong, and yet you feel as though it is simply the Worst Day Ever on account of all the small irritations piling up. I’d had a frustrating day at the office, the kids were needy and annoying, it was cold and took us forever to get home. After dinner and a half-assed attempt at cleaning up the kitchen I decided to take a shower. The water started to run cold halfway through, and by the time I rinsed all the conditioner out of my hair I was shivering and miserable. We have two water heaters (no idea) and have never run out of hot water before. I went upstairs and tested the kitchen sink. Sure enough, that water was cold as well. So I called my mother to complain, as you do. “…and then we almost missed the bus and after dinner I took a shower and it was COLD and clearly there is something wrong with the water heaters because this has never happened before and I don’t know how the pilot lights could have gone out on both and waaaaaaaaah!” I was so dramatic that she gently suggested calling the landlord and I sniffly agreed to do so. Before finding his number I decided to check one more time and voila – hot water. Evidently I had…wait for it…used it all, in what retrospectively seems like a rather LONG shower. So.

It has become abundantly clear that I have very little business being in charge. Of anything. (Shh, don’t tell my new employers.) In other words, it would probably be to everyone’s advantage for N’s job situation to resolve itself fairly soon. Gaaaah.

*My landlord Jerry** apologized profusely for not answering my email until almost 8am. I was like, Dude, I emailed you at 4:30 in the morning. I wasn’t really expecting an immediate response.

**Jerry looks uncannily like William H. Macy.

The post A slew of annoyances (and parentheses) first appeared on NonSoccerMom.com.

The story of a girl, a raccoon, and a patio door that locks from the inside.

NonSoccerMom — Wed, 05 Sep 2012 03:59:18 +0000

In the wee hours of Monday morning I woke up to the sounds of a furious cat hissing, spitting and pawing at glass. Blearily I rolled out of bed, expecting to see her fighting with the neighbor’s cat through the window (again). But no, instead of a large yellow cat I saw a humongous raccoon, snaking one creepy paw through the slightly open window (with no screen! Because there are few bugs here! But apparently there are other forms of wildlife!) in an attempt to get at my cat. Who, by the way, was puffed up bigger than I have ever seen. Her fur didn’t stand up that much when we brought home a 60-pound dog.

Anyway. “GAH!” I exclaimed (quite eloquently, as is my way) and at a loss for how to deal with it I hissed out the window (because clearly that approach was working so well for the cat). The raccoon looked at me rather disdainfully before it sauntered away. I closed the windows and went into the bathroom and when I came out, the cat was growling again. Before I had the chance to cross the room, I saw a raccoon face slowly rise into view above the window ledge. That little bastard stood on his hind legs, gave me the evil eye, then continued taunting my cat. Thankfully he grew bored after a few minutes and left but OMG! I forgot how creepy the damn things are. GAAAAAAAAAAAAH. Now I keep a flashlight by the bed so that next time I can shine it directly into his beady, hateful little eyeballs. Ugh.

***

As you may or may not be aware, Monday was Labor Day. I feel the need to spell this out for all of my former coworkers, who were forced to show up for work as usual by the state of Texas. MUAHAHAHA, SUCKAS, California recognizes Labor Day as a day to NOT LABOR. Ahem.

ANYHOO, since I was off work and the kids out of school, we were at home. Although I’ve been dragging them all over the city, I was tired (see above re: wee hours raccoon visit) and Misty had requested to eat outside on the porch. The weather was great so I agreed, and come lunchtime I went outside to wipe off the table.

Except I forgot that not only does the patio door have a bolt, the handle locks as well. You’d think I would remember, since just last week I rescued my poor mother who had forgotten the same thing.

Kids, this is what we call foreshadowing.

So after I had the patio table and chairs nice and clean, I went back up the deck stairs and…discovered that I was locked in the backyard. The kids were in the living room playing Wii (and actually giving me a few minutes of peace for the very first time all weekend, I shit you not, thank you for that timing UNIVERSE) and so apparently could not hear me banging and yelling. And banging and banging and yelling some more. They probably heard me in Spain, but did the children whose names were being screamed?

Negatory, my good sir. They did not. So there I am on the porch, getting increasingly more pissed off with each passing second and each pound of my fists on the glass. I had nothing. No phone, no keys, no way of even getting to the front of the house and believe me, I tried. Our backyard is completely closed off from the street which is good, in a way, but not if you lock yourself back there. I was getting desperate (after less than 10 minutes, outside my own home, in glorious weather, mind you, so let us hope I never am shipwrecked or otherwise hopelessly stranded) and even contemplated the possibility of climbing onto the roof and walking over to the front of the house to bang on the front door and then bitch at my children for eventually opening it “Never answer the door without asking me first!” Thankfully I came to my senses and rapidly abandoned that idea. Mostly because I couldn’t find a way onto the roof.

I’d like to say the story has some sort of an epic climax or exciting resolution, but basically I just gave up and stood there outside the glass doors. It was lunchtime after all and I knew eventually one or both of my unobservant children would happen into the kitchen and see me. Sure enough, about ten minutes later Lex came wandering in, saw me out there and immediately looked confused.

“I’m locked out!” I exclaimed through the glass. He came over and fiddled with the door, successfully locking the deadbolt and therefore keeping me outside even more securely. “The handle! The HANDLE!”

“Oh!” he replied and unlocked the handle. Another look of extreme confusion crossed his face when he still couldn’t open the door.

My god, y’all. This kid. He’s as smart as he can be but dude does not possess one iota of common sense. Not ONE. “UNLOCK THE BOLT!” I screamed, and finally he figured it out. (He’ll be ten years old next weekend, mind you. TEN.)

“I didn’t do that,” he pointed out helpfully once I was back on the correct side of the door. “It wasn’t my fault you got locked out there.”

No, dear, no it wasn’t. Thank you for clearing that up.

The post The story of a girl, a raccoon, and a patio door that locks from the inside. first appeared on NonSoccerMom.com.

A long-overdue update

NonSoccerMom — Mon, 03 Sep 2012 17:11:17 +0000

Over a month since my last post? D’oh. So much for posting regularly. I’ve been far better about updates on Facebook and Twitter, so that’s probably a better way to keep track if you’re so inclined (yes, even YOU, friends from Old Workplace who are the last holdouts left on EARTH. AHEM). Anyway, on to the best posting tool of the update-challenged – the bullet point:

The kids: My parents flew them out here on August 14, which left less than a week before they started school. I’m pleased to report that they’re doing really great. Fantastic, in fact. Both of them have taken to city life just like pros and Misty even complained when we had access to my parents’ rental car for a few days – “But cars are BORING! I want to take the bus!” All in all, their transition has gone so much smoother than I expected, and even better than I hoped. Lex settled into his new elementary school (4th grade, GAH) quickly and easily, and already has little video game-geek buddies both in the classroom and at his after-school program (more on that in a second). They love their new rooms, and although they’d be happy to just hang around the house and play Wii/computer constantly, I’m dragging them out into the city as much as possible: A) they need to get to know their new hometown, B) the weather here is FAR more conducive to outdoor activities than Texas and C) no one needs to stare at a screen for eleventy hours per day.
The schools: This is something else that worked out far better than even the best-case scenario I’d imagined. I’m pretty sure I already talked about getting Misty into the daycare located in my office building, which is pretty much every bit as awesome as you’d assume. It simply doesn’t get any more convenient than that. People are all “OH, you can go visit her throughout the day!” which I guess I might do if I had a breastfeeding infant or something, but no. I don’t do that with her because she’ll just throw a fit when I leave her there. So it isn’t more convenient in that regard, but in terms of drop-off/pickup, it just couldn’t get easier. Getting Lex registered for school was pretty stressful and confusing, thank you ever so much SFUSD. But after a panicked last-minute birth-certificate order from the state of Colorado (and for that, thank YOU, UCSF mail services) I finally got it sorted out, and after a tear-inducing TB test he was all clear to start on the 20th with everyone else. His school seems to be one of the higher-rated public schools in the city, is relatively close to my office and an easy bus ride from our house, so that is good enough for me. Finding him after-school care was almost as stressful, since the program located at his elementary was already running a wait list. After much cost-related gnashing of teeth, I finally realized I was low on options and enrolled him in the phenomenal (if expensive) programÂ hereÂ which is – wait for it – across the street from my office. The program buses him from school to the facility, which is fantastic. So in case you’re keeping track, I managed to work it to where both of my children are in walking distance for afternoon pickups. I win!
The old house: SOLD. Closed, gone, etc., thank the tiny baby Jesus in his tiny little manger. We made hardly any money at all, but that is fine. As long as we didn’t end up owing money I can deal. The main thing is that we are no longer homeowners. WOO!! Which brings me to…
The new Â house: Fantastic. My parents were a tremendous help during the few weeks they stayed in SF, so it is almost totally in order (save for the master bedroom, but it will get there eventually). Mom and I had to get creative with a few things and I still don’t know what I’m going to do with all of my crystal or any of the 40,000 blankets we apparently own, but I’m really happy with the way it has turned out. I’m not quite as enamored of the hardwood floors as I expected to be (I like to walk around barefoot, which tends to highlight every crumb and so has me reaching for the broom constantly, not to mention my constant fear that the floors will get scratched somehow), and I HATE the idiotic design and loading capacity of the dishwasher, but the house is great. It’s in an excellent location with easy access to public transportation, restaurants and parks (including Golden Gate), and has plenty of room for our current needs. I really got lucky to find something so quickly.
My job: Is going quite well, I think. I’m settling in, getting comfortable with my team and learning the internal policies at my new institution and the processes specific to California (thankfully, my knowledge of federal regulations was one thing that actually transferred). My staff seem to all like me pretty well so far, but it could just be that I bribed them with my mom’s buttermilk pie. Hard to say.
N’s job: This is the only item on our list that hasn’t simply fallen into place, and unfortunately it’s a big one. We just can’t justify him leaving his current job until something materializes out here, so for now he has to stay in Texas. He’s applying for everything he can and I’m working connections on this end like crazy, so I know it will happen soon. In the meantime, it sucks to have our family separated by several states – and not knowing when that will change – but we’re doing okay. I just keep telling myself that it isn’t forever, that he’ll be here before long and that it will all be worth it in the end.

The post A long-overdue update first appeared on NonSoccerMom.com.

In which I write a post with content. And also pictures. (The pictures are really key.)

NonSoccerMom — Sun, 22 Jul 2012 00:39:32 +0000

Unsurprisingly, I let time get away from me again but now I actually have things to report! We have a place to live! And Misty has a daycare! And both of these things are very! Exciting! And cause me to use poor grammar and multiple exclamation points!

I had arranged for a realtor to help me search rentals once I arrived in San Francisco, but she was having difficulty for some reason having to do with her licensing in San Mateo. Or something equally boring, I’m not really sure. At any rate, since she had yet to find us anything to look at, I was beginning to freak about the timing so last weekend I took matters into my own hands. I made appointments to tour apartments in a few different parts of town, and while I found one that I really liked (and that accepted cats and large dogs), it was pretty far south of where we wanted to be, especially once you added in the fact that Misty’s daycare was at the very upper corner of San Francisco, right near the ocean (more on that in a minute). It would have taken me ages to get her there every morning before work, and since I STILL don’t know where Lex will go to school (and THAT IS ALL I HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THAT), that was pretty much a no-go.

So I kept looking for rentals online and on Sunday afternoon met the owners’ real estate agent at what would turn out to be The Place. This house is pretty much my dream, y’all. I love it. LOVE IT.

Technically it is only a two-bedroom, but the formal dining room can be completely closed off and so we’ll use it for a third bedroom. That’s fairly commonplace around here from what I can tell, and the square footage isn’t much less than what we’re used to. There’s plenty of storage in the kitchen and while some of the colors/paint schemes aren’t exactly what I would have chosen myself, the natural light and location can’t be beat. On a clear day, you can see the top of the Golden Gate Bridge from the front sidewalk. There is a well-maintained playground literally across the street, and Â a short walk downhill brings you to plenty of restaurants and shopping. Keep walking further and you’ll be smack in the middle of Golden Gate Park.

This isn’t the neighborhood we originally planned on – we were going for Outer Richmond, near the daycare we’d secured for Misty. I loved the house so much I didn’t care and was fully intending to make the arduous trip from Golden Gate Heights to her school every day. But as luck would have it, shortly we found out that the homeowners accepted our lease application – I discovered that the daycare located AT MY WORKPLACE had a single pre-k vacancy. The daycare is on the second floor, I work on the fourth. I went downstairs, toured the facility and signed her up on the spot.

So now we have a place to live, we have a wonderful, super-convenient place for Misty to stay during the day, and I think we do actually have a couple of elementary school options for Lex (fingers crossed, OMG because it is a big fat maybe, and I can’t do anything about it until I have proof of residency anyway and I SAID I didn’t want to talk about it, WHY ARE YOU PUSHING ME?). Really, everything is falling into place even better than I’d imagined. Now all we have to do is figure out the actual logistics of moving our stuff and find N a job (details, details), and we’ll be all set to go. I’m beyond ready to have the entire family out here with me, but we’re getting there. It won’t be long now.

I hope.

The post In which I write a post with content. And also pictures. (The pictures are really key.) first appeared on NonSoccerMom.com.

And it only took 2.5 years!

NonSoccerMom — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 03:20:59 +0000

We’ve been knocking around the idea of remodeling the master bathroom since purchasing the house in 2006. Â For one reason or another, we never wanted to spend the money and eventually decided to just replace the faucets (since I broke one) and replace the outdated wallpaper with paint. Â We vacillated between hiring someone or doing it ourselves, finally concluding that it couldn’t be THAT hard to do. Â And so, some two years after I wrote this post, N and I started peeling the offensive old-lady wallpaper off our bathroom walls. Â That was back in, oh, August? Â Ah, yes. Â August 2011. Â Back in the days when I still truly believed in my ability to single-handedly strip ancient, poorly-applied vinyl wallpaper from a sizable bathroom, re-texture the drywall and paint the entire thing myself.

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

At first there seemed to be hope. Â After scoring the paper and trying that gooey wallpaper remover spray, I had little success but soon realized that dry-stripping the top layer of paper made the rest much easier to soak and scrape off. Â Great! Â Except NOT great, because two separate layers of peeling means twice the work. Â But N and I got into a good rhythm on a couple of Saturday afternoons and I thought, okay. Â We CAN do this.

(Spoiler alert: Nope.)

I’d peel a little paper every time I went in the bathroom, but after a while I lost steam. Â I got busy on the weekends and wasn’t inclined to make a big sticky mess with the wallpaper remover. Â School was keeping me busy, and work got crazy and I just never felt like messing with it.

We kind of got used to it. Â Hideous as the situation was, I’d just lamely apologize whenever someone came to visit (usually family) and that was that. Â I kept telling myself that we’d get it done eventually.

And then N took these pictures, and it really was that depressing. I started to realize that we’d possibly bitten off a little more than we could reasonably chew, and I dug up the name of a remodeling guy that a friend had used.

I called, he came, we paid. Â And now we have this.

It’s exactly what I had envisioned for this low-key no-demo job, and I love it. Now my bathroom is nice and relaxing like a spa, not an ugly, stressful reminder of all the work that still remains.

Lesson learned: Suck it up and pay the experts. Check!

The post And it only took 2.5 years! first appeared on NonSoccerMom.com.

Some decisions, and a movie review just for kicks

NonSoccerMom — Thu, 21 Jul 2011 02:20:54 +0000

I’ve grown weary of the nicknames I use for my family on this blog.Â Â I was feeling woefully uncreative when I first started writing here and couldn’t be bothered to come up with anything fun for N and AE. Then Miss T came along and I copped out with her, too.Â I don’t use real names for reasons of googleability (it is totally a word!) but I’m no longer terribly concerned with total anonymity.Â Anyone with the proper motivation and a few minutes could figure out who I am through N’s blog.Â And probably no one actually cares, but I still don’t want real names floating around out there.Â But I also don’t want boring initials anymore!Â I need something more interesting, just to amuse me if nothing else.

So.Â From now on, I’ll refer to AE as Lex.Â It’s a shortened version of his real name, but not what we actually call him.Â I could go with Xander, I suppose, but he’d appreciate the comic book/video game/movie connection of Lex.Â So Lex it shall be.

And Miss T shall now be Misty.Â (See what I did there?Â Am so clever, yes?)Â Essentially that’s how I see it in my mind when I’m writing about her anyway, so there you go.Â It isn’t anything close to her real name unless you count the fact that it also has five letters and contains T and S.Â Heh.

And what about N, you ask?Â That’s a very good question.Â Many of the four readers that I have know his real name already.Â It is out there on the internet anyway due to the nature of his job.Â I could call him by his real name, but will not.Â I shall call him Nic, for no other reason than it annoys the living hell out of him.

There you have it.Â To sum up, Lex = AE, Misty = Miss T, and Nic = N.

Yesterday I went for my Free! Lasik! Consult! as touted by a Houston-based doctor that comes to my city once a week.Â I’ve been thinking about lasik (LASIK? Lasik? oh who cares) for a while, and if I’m serious about getting into any sort of law enforcement – federal or otherwise – it’s pretty much a must.Â My vision uncorrected is something god-awful like 20/400.Â I can’t even see the big E without my glasses or contacts, and most law enforcement agencies won’t consider anyone with uncorrected vision worse than 20/100 for a field position.

Anyway, yesterday I went for an evaluation and within 45 minutes I was signed up for the procedure.Â August 18, yo.Â Supposedly after resting my eyes that afternoon, I’ll be able to drive myself to the follow-up appointment the next morning, totally corrective-aid free.Â I find this hard to believe, but it sounds awesome.Â And only possible through magic.Â Certainly it will not involve lasers aimed at my eyeballs, because that is horrific and scary and shudder-inducing.

Denial.Â It ain’t just a river in Egypt, people.

Nic (man, even I hate the way that looks but I will persist) and I found ourselves sans kids last week (they were both out of town visiting grandparents) and we hardly knew what to do with ourselves in the evenings.Â We muddled through, going out to dinner several times and even squeezing in a movie – Horrible Bosses.

I highly recommend this movie, you guys.Â If you’ve ever had a boss that you’ve hated even a little (and if you say you haven’t, I say you’re lying), this is the movie for you.Â Office Space is another movie I recommend for disgruntled employees, but it’s more applicable for corporate drones stuck in a cubicle farm.Â Horrible Bosses appeals to a much wider audience.Â Almost everyone has a boss, and very few people adore theirs.

Jason Bateman is awesome as always and perfect in his role as the voice of reason.Â It reminded me of his character in Arrested Development (another must-see) – the long-suffering normal person who inevitably finds himself in the midst of crazy people.Â And I really don’t care for It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia (no link, just because) but Charlie Day was really funny and charming in a pathetic sort of way.Â I didn’t think Jason Sudeikis was quite as good as the other two (probably because I’m never fond of the overgrown frat boy character), but every movie has to have a weak link and he did have some good lines.

The three bosses were cast perfectly as well.Â Kevin Spacey was doing his standard thing, Jennifer Aniston was really vamping it up (her eye makeup was over-the-top and so not HER but it worked), and Colin Farrell does obnoxious and disgusting oh so very well.

The language is foul but the one-liners are great.Â The theater was full and everyone laughed out loud throughout the entire movie.Â There were none of the plot holes that I tend to expect in comedies – usually the writers are so focused on the jokes they tend to lose sight of the story, but not here.Â And added bonus for me, the Old Lady Moviegoer that I am: only one scene made me cringe a little with crude “toilet humor”.Â If (WHEN) you see it, you will know exactly what I mean and it really isn’t terrible at all, especially as compared to other “comedies” these days.Â (OMG, Grandma?Â Is that you?)

Horrible Bosses really isn’t anything you need to see on the big screen, of course.Â Nic and I usually reserve that for blockbuster-type action movies that have impressive special effects, but since we had the opportunity (and I’d already seen Green Lantern which I’ll review some other time) we went for it.Â Totally, totally worth the expense of the tickets and giant vat of Coke that Nic requires for any movie viewing – and I’ll definitely buy the DVD (or Blu-ray, I guess) whenever it comes out.Â Two enthusiastic thumbs up:Â one for me, and one for my movie reviewer by proxy.

The post Some decisions, and a movie review just for kicks first appeared on NonSoccerMom.com.

Worth every single one of those many, many pennies.

NonSoccerMom — Wed, 01 Jun 2011 04:15:39 +0000

Last week, in celebration of our 10th wedding anniversary, N and I took a 7-day cruise to the Caribbean on the Carnival Conquest.Â And IT. WAS. AWESOME.Â Wonderfully relaxing, and precisely what I needed after a looooooong semester of statistics and major stress. I truly couldn’t have asked for a more perfect vacation.

The boarding process is always rather lengthy and tedious so snobby traveling brat that I am, it isn’t really worth it to me to do anything less than a 7-day.Â It takes so long to get on the damn ship that I’d feel like half my time was gone already.Â I mean, come on.Â Look at this line!

But once you make it on board and past the required lifeboat drill, it’s all good.Â We were at sea the first two days, and it was weird not to have anything to DO.Â No one was calling “Moooooooom!”, there was no studying to be done, no one needed a drink or a snack or to be let outside or driven anywhere or ANYTHING.Â NO ONE needed me and I was able to just lay by the pool and relax.Â I put in my headphones and read a trashy novel with a Sex on the Beach by my side and it was GLORIOUS.

The first port was Montego Bay, Jamaica, which we really didn’t care for.Â We erred in deciding not to go on a shore excursion because I thought that you could just get off the ship and walk around by the port – I was thinking it was more like Cozumel, I guess, where there ARE plenty of shops and touristy things nearby.Â But no.Â Alas, in Jamaica there is NOTHING nearby but ghetto.Â So we waited forever and paid $30 to ride some “hop on, hop off” shuttle that was, shall we say, running on Island Time.Â ANYWAY, 3985783472913847 minutes later we got to the beach, but did not have our swimsuits NOR the $5 cash per person to get in.Â Because, again, I thought we’d be able to easily pop back on the ship and change/grab beach stuff.Â So, big fat FAIL, and we had to wait another 934568729348230 minutes for the “convenient” shuttle to return and pick us up, and we were being offered weed (or, N was anyway, either I wasn’t paying attention or they prefer to not to offer it to cranky, sweaty women) by loitering cab drivers all the while.Â Really, Jamaica kind of sucked.Â The people are incredibly pushy and it is very humid and rather dirty.Â Next time we’ll either do a shore excursion or not get off the ship at all.Â I’d be okay with that, as would N.Â I’ve actually been a few times before and don’t remember it being bad, to be totally fair, but this wasn’t the greatest of experiences.Â Fortunately, before a shuttle appeared to take us back, we encountered a sympathetic couple from our ship that spotted us the $10 entry fee for the beach so that at least we could walk around and take a few photos.Â Then we became the stupid tourists that go to the beach in a long dress (me) and with tennis shoes (N), and we kept getting harassed by some guy that really wanted us to pay for a ride on his glass-bottom boat but oh well.Â Live and learn.Â I must admit that the beaches are gorgeous, so that took some of the sting out I GUESS.

Grand Cayman, on the other hand, is heavenly.Â It was every bit as clean and gorgeous as I remembered from my previous visits.Â George Town is simply lovely, and N and I have decided we’ll definitely go back there for a longer stay someday.Â We did an excursion to the turtle farm in the morning, and found that they have completely redone it since the last time (which I guess isn’t surprising after a decade).Â They have an awesome facility now, with snorkeling and everything.Â We held lots of wee turtles, and we snorkeled, then we watched people swim with dolphins and had a delicious mango smoothie while we waited for the bus to pick us up.Â It was GREAT.Â After the excursion we went back into town and shopped, and I got a beautiful black coral necklace at Bernard Passman Gallery, where my mom had gotten a bracelet years ago (which we replaced on our honeymoon cruise because the cat ate it.)Â Then N went back in there while I was distracted and got me the matching earrings as an anniversary surprise.Â Grand Cayman is absolutely everything a tropical vacation should be.Â My only complaint is that we had to leave way too soon – we had to be back on board the ship by 3:30 p.m. in order to make it to Cozumel on time.Â Boo.

The last port was Cozumel, Mexico.Â (Did you know that it is an island?Â I did not.Â Cruises: fun and educational!)Â We’d gotten a shore excursion credit from Orbitz when we booked the trip so we were already lined up with an excursion weeks before we sailed.Â The ship didn’t get into port until 10 a.m. and we had to walk quite a way to meet our group at 10:30 but we made it.Â We had our own jeep, and there was only one other family of 4 doing the excursion, so lots of personal attention (especially since the other family didn’t seem interested in what was going on at all.Â In fact, we decided that they must not have understood what they were signing up for, they were so clueless about and seemingly annoyed by the entire process.)Â Once Jorge, our guide, verified that we were who we claimed to be (“You have a drivers’ license, yes? Okay, very good.”) we followed his jeep and took the scenic route to Punta Sur national park where we saw some Mayan ruins and got to snorkel.Â It wasn’t really relaxing because Jorge was ON A SCHEDULE, yo, but it was very fun.Â (Most exhausting snorkeling ever, if I’m being honest.Â I’m a strong swimmer but holy crap.)Â It was all quite beautiful.Â We had a really great time, and it was different than any shore excursion I’ve ever been on before.Â Very fun.

The last day was another spent at sea, with more lazing around, reading, napping, and of course eating all the delicious food a cruise ship has to offer.Â I really can’t convey how great a vacation this was for both N and me.Â For reals, y’all.Â If you’ve ever thought that a cruise might be a good way to rekindle your romance I can tell you firsthand that it certainly doesn’t hurt.Â It also makes a swell tenth anniversary gift to yourselves.

So.Â Absolutely phenomenal.Â Until we got the final bill for my bar tab.Â The end.

The post Worth every single one of those many, many pennies. first appeared on NonSoccerMom.com.

List

NonSoccerMom — Sat, 14 May 2011 15:14:04 +0000

N and I are leaving on a cruise (to celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary!!) one week from tomorrow and while I am incredibly excited, there is still a ton I need to do.Â My mom is coming to our house to stay with the kids and pets (thankfully saving us the cost of boarding the dog all week plus getting trapped into a holiday weekend since we’ll be back just before Memorial Day).Â I’m a little nervous about being almost totally out of touch for so long.Â We travel without the kids quite a bit, but it’s a little harder to stay in contact while on a cruise ship.Â I’m sure it will be fine, and we did discover that text messages should only cost 50 cents while on board, but still.

But before we really get to that point, I have to:

write a letter giving Mom permission to seek medical care for the kids and get it notarized
make copies of our insurance cards
notify both kids’ schools that my mom will be the only available emergency contact for that week
compile a list of doctor/dentist/vet phone numbers and other contact info to leave at the house for Mom
do a ton of laundry (apparently being done with class for the semester has made me lazy. I’ve done NOTHING of value for days now.)
take N’s sport coat to the dry cleaners and get him some new dress pants
set out AE’s baseball clothes and instructions to the fields, since poor Nonna will have to take him to at least 2 post-season tourney games
brave the attic to find the garment bag, which hasn’t been used in ages and is probably now a bird nesting spot
actually begin to pack

Fortunately, I have already:

bought two swimsuits and two pair of flip-flops for myself, along with some shorts and shirts for N

So, you know.Â There’s that.

In other news:

I am furiously checking myASU to see if maybe final grades have been posted.Â I know they won’t be until early next week and yet I cannot stop.Â I need to know what I made in statistics, dammit!
My car is in the shop.Â Again.Â I don’t even know what to say at this point.Â Anyone in the market for a 2007 BMW X5 with undetermined mechanical problems?
We’re going to a wedding next Saturday that starts at 10:30 in the morning.Â I don’t have a clue whatÂ you wear to a wedding at that time of day.
AE has a project due on Monday.Â We’re supposed to build a polar bear habitat.Â We’ve known about it for WEEKS and have yet to start.Â Procrastination, FTW!
I got a Dyson vacuum recently and I LOVE it.Â Vacuuming is the one household chore that I actually enjoy so I figured it was worth a splurge and thankfully I was right!
Both of my children are being incredibly annoying today.Â Or I am incredibly impatient.Â Probably a little of both.Â Either way, they need something (AGAIN) so I better wrap up the world’s most boring post.

The post List first appeared on NonSoccerMom.com.

And how was your day?

NonSoccerMom — Fri, 01 Apr 2011 02:34:02 +0000

After running a few errands this afternoon, I stopped at the gym before heading to the grocery store and then on to pick up the kids.Â As usual, I had scheduled myself down to the very last second – I rushed through my workout and left myself just enough time to grab a few major items at the store before the daycare closed.

Or so I thought.

My car started up just fine, but as I began to pull out of the gym parking lot there was a THUNK.Â I don’t know how else to describe it, except that the THUNK was accompanied by a BUMP, as though I’d hit something.Â That can’t be good, I thought, so I parked and inspected the underside of the car.Â (Because I would know if something was wrong…maybe there would be a fire or a gushing fluid or a gnome holding a sign that says LOOK, HERE’S YOUR PROBLEM…okay fine SHUT UP.)Â Anyway, since there were none of those things beneath my car and no Warning Light of Doom on the dashboard (seriously, this car gets upset about a lot of stuff), I was like, well, I guess it’s okay to drive home.

I’m sure by now you know where this is going, even if you don’t follow me on Facebook or Twitter.

It seemed okay as I pulled onto the road, although I noticed that the air conditioner didn’t seem to be blowing cold air.Â I convinced myself it was because I’d just finished working out, that’s why I was so hot. But the further I got, the more obvious it became that no, that was decidedly NOT cold air coming from the vents, even though the display claimed it was 60 degrees.Â Okay then.Â I called N and asked him for the number of the local BMW dealership.

Because we just had non-air-conditioning-related warranty work done there last week, you see.

I called N just as I drove up to a major intersection.Â An intersection where the traffic light happened to be on the fritz, so two cops were directing it manually.Â Great, I thought, since I felt the steering wheel begin to vibrate under my hands.Â From personal experience I know what THAT means.Â The car was about to die.Â Â And that was right about the point that the dash lit up like a Christmas tree.Â TEMPERATURE WARNING, it said.Â ENGINE OVERHEATING DANGER, SOS SOS EXCLAMATION POINT IN TRIANGLE HALP.Â Nice timing, car.Â Thanks for that.

I managed to steer off to the right, into a lane that’s been closed recently as part of a construction project.Â There was just enough room for me to squeeze between two barriers and get completely out of traffic.Â I called the dealership, and the service guy was very apologetic but pointed out that I needed to call BMW Assist before he could do anything.Â Oh, right.Â Oops.

About this time one of the traffic cops began to wonder what I was doing, so he wandered over and I rolled down the window.Â “Sorry,” I said, and quickly explained my plight.Â He nodded and went back to directing traffic.

So then I hit the magical emergency assist button that calls BMW.Â And I have to say, this feature alone has now made every penny we paid for this car absolutely WORTH IT.Â Within seconds I was connected with a very nice lady, who used the GPS tracker and pinpointed my location exactly.Â I confirmed, explained my situation and she linked the call in with some other guy, who apparently handles the calls for towing companies.

He asked a few more questions, then informed me that a local company had been dispatched and the ETA was 70 minutes.

“Excuse me,” I said, “did you say seventy minutes?”

“Yes,” he replied.

“Where is the truck coming from,” I screeched, “Houston?!Â Why an hour?Â I can’t sit here for an hour!!Â Nothing in this town is an hour away!!”Â Possibly I was feeling a bit frazzled by this point.

“I’m sorry, ma’am,” the poor guy stammered, “that’s pretty standard.Â They just put you in a queue and get there when they can.”

I sighed, thanked him and hung up.Â My mom had called in the midst of all this, so I called her back to explain why I ignored her originally.Â I called N back with an update, and then I called the dealership to explain that the tow truck likely wouldn’t get me there before they closed, yadda yadda I need a loaner car, what can we do and also this is YOUR FAULT since you supposedly “fixed” my car less than a week ago.Â The cop came back to check on me – the traffic lights were working again and he wanted to make sure I was squared away before he left, which was nice.

A mere 20 minutes later, I was relieved to see the tow truck pull up.Â Two trucks, actually.Â I jumped out of the car and waited as the drivers worked to get it ready, and quite honestly was fascinated by their swift efficiency.Â They had to use a special rig with temporary wheels under the front, which is apparently because my car has all-wheel drive.Â (The driver explained all of this on the way to the dealership – he commented on how the X5 is actually considered a “curse” by tow truck operators because it’s generally very hard to tow.Â That’s how he got stuck with it – as the newbie on the job they figured he needed the experience, hence the second, seemingly unnecessary, tow truck that I had been wondering about.Â That was his supervisor.Â Anyway.)

Long story short (TOO LATE), I got to the dealership before the service desk closed and basically refused to take NO for an answer to my question of “can I please have a loaner car?”Â But my car insurance card expired YESTERDAY and even though I paid the next semi-annual premium I had forgotten to put the new card in my wallet.Â OF COURSE I HAD.Â So!Â The service guy had to call State Farm and confirm that yes, I do in fact have coverage with them, blah-dee-blah sploo and yes, I can be trusted with a loaner car.

And that, my friends, is why there is a Volkswagen Jetta sitting in my garage.

The post And how was your day? first appeared on NonSoccerMom.com.