Motherhood uncensored - NonSoccerMom.com

A long-overdue update

NonSoccerMom — Mon, 03 Sep 2012 17:11:17 +0000

Over a month since my last post? D’oh. So much for posting regularly. I’ve been far better about updates on Facebook and Twitter, so that’s probably a better way to keep track if you’re so inclined (yes, even YOU, friends from Old Workplace who are the last holdouts left on EARTH. AHEM). Anyway, on to the best posting tool of the update-challenged – the bullet point:

The kids: My parents flew them out here on August 14, which left less than a week before they started school. I’m pleased to report that they’re doing really great. Fantastic, in fact. Both of them have taken to city life just like pros and Misty even complained when we had access to my parents’ rental car for a few days – “But cars are BORING! I want to take the bus!” All in all, their transition has gone so much smoother than I expected, and even better than I hoped. Lex settled into his new elementary school (4th grade, GAH) quickly and easily, and already has little video game-geek buddies both in the classroom and at his after-school program (more on that in a second). They love their new rooms, and although they’d be happy to just hang around the house and play Wii/computer constantly, I’m dragging them out into the city as much as possible: A) they need to get to know their new hometown, B) the weather here is FAR more conducive to outdoor activities than Texas and C) no one needs to stare at a screen for eleventy hours per day.
The schools: This is something else that worked out far better than even the best-case scenario I’d imagined. I’m pretty sure I already talked about getting Misty into the daycare located in my office building, which is pretty much every bit as awesome as you’d assume. It simply doesn’t get any more convenient than that. People are all “OH, you can go visit her throughout the day!” which I guess I might do if I had a breastfeeding infant or something, but no. I don’t do that with her because she’ll just throw a fit when I leave her there. So it isn’t more convenient in that regard, but in terms of drop-off/pickup, it just couldn’t get easier. Getting Lex registered for school was pretty stressful and confusing, thank you ever so much SFUSD. But after a panicked last-minute birth-certificate order from the state of Colorado (and for that, thank YOU, UCSF mail services) I finally got it sorted out, and after a tear-inducing TB test he was all clear to start on the 20th with everyone else. His school seems to be one of the higher-rated public schools in the city, is relatively close to my office and an easy bus ride from our house, so that is good enough for me. Finding him after-school care was almost as stressful, since the program located at his elementary was already running a wait list. After much cost-related gnashing of teeth, I finally realized I was low on options and enrolled him in the phenomenal (if expensive) programÂ hereÂ which is – wait for it – across the street from my office. The program buses him from school to the facility, which is fantastic. So in case you’re keeping track, I managed to work it to where both of my children are in walking distance for afternoon pickups. I win!
The old house: SOLD. Closed, gone, etc., thank the tiny baby Jesus in his tiny little manger. We made hardly any money at all, but that is fine. As long as we didn’t end up owing money I can deal. The main thing is that we are no longer homeowners. WOO!! Which brings me to…
The new Â house: Fantastic. My parents were a tremendous help during the few weeks they stayed in SF, so it is almost totally in order (save for the master bedroom, but it will get there eventually). Mom and I had to get creative with a few things and I still don’t know what I’m going to do with all of my crystal or any of the 40,000 blankets we apparently own, but I’m really happy with the way it has turned out. I’m not quite as enamored of the hardwood floors as I expected to be (I like to walk around barefoot, which tends to highlight every crumb and so has me reaching for the broom constantly, not to mention my constant fear that the floors will get scratched somehow), and I HATE the idiotic design and loading capacity of the dishwasher, but the house is great. It’s in an excellent location with easy access to public transportation, restaurants and parks (including Golden Gate), and has plenty of room for our current needs. I really got lucky to find something so quickly.
My job: Is going quite well, I think. I’m settling in, getting comfortable with my team and learning the internal policies at my new institution and the processes specific to California (thankfully, my knowledge of federal regulations was one thing that actually transferred). My staff seem to all like me pretty well so far, but it could just be that I bribed them with my mom’s buttermilk pie. Hard to say.
N’s job: This is the only item on our list that hasn’t simply fallen into place, and unfortunately it’s a big one. We just can’t justify him leaving his current job until something materializes out here, so for now he has to stay in Texas. He’s applying for everything he can and I’m working connections on this end like crazy, so I know it will happen soon. In the meantime, it sucks to have our family separated by several states – and not knowing when that will change – but we’re doing okay. I just keep telling myself that it isn’t forever, that he’ll be here before long and that it will all be worth it in the end.

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A brief conversation

NonSoccerMom — Sat, 13 Aug 2011 16:18:41 +0000

In a burst of housecleaning frenzy I did some rearranging and reappropriation of storage containers.Â Which led to this conversation with my son.

Lex:Â Why are my stuffed animals all in my laundry basket?

Me:Â Because now it is a stuffed animal basket.

Lex:Â Oh.Â [leaves]

Lex:Â [immediately comes back]Â But where are my dirty clothes going to go now?

Me:Â In a laundry basket.

Lex:Â Okay.Â [shrugs and walks away]

Man, I love this kid’s easygoing nature.Â It sure is a nice contrast to his sister, who reacted to the changes in her room with “Why did you do that?Â Why is that there?Â But where did the other one go?Â Why did you put that in my closet?Â But WHY?!”

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Some decisions, and a movie review just for kicks

NonSoccerMom — Thu, 21 Jul 2011 02:20:54 +0000

I’ve grown weary of the nicknames I use for my family on this blog.Â Â I was feeling woefully uncreative when I first started writing here and couldn’t be bothered to come up with anything fun for N and AE. Then Miss T came along and I copped out with her, too.Â I don’t use real names for reasons of googleability (it is totally a word!) but I’m no longer terribly concerned with total anonymity.Â Anyone with the proper motivation and a few minutes could figure out who I am through N’s blog.Â And probably no one actually cares, but I still don’t want real names floating around out there.Â But I also don’t want boring initials anymore!Â I need something more interesting, just to amuse me if nothing else.

So.Â From now on, I’ll refer to AE as Lex.Â It’s a shortened version of his real name, but not what we actually call him.Â I could go with Xander, I suppose, but he’d appreciate the comic book/video game/movie connection of Lex.Â So Lex it shall be.

And Miss T shall now be Misty.Â (See what I did there?Â Am so clever, yes?)Â Essentially that’s how I see it in my mind when I’m writing about her anyway, so there you go.Â It isn’t anything close to her real name unless you count the fact that it also has five letters and contains T and S.Â Heh.

And what about N, you ask?Â That’s a very good question.Â Many of the four readers that I have know his real name already.Â It is out there on the internet anyway due to the nature of his job.Â I could call him by his real name, but will not.Â I shall call him Nic, for no other reason than it annoys the living hell out of him.

There you have it.Â To sum up, Lex = AE, Misty = Miss T, and Nic = N.

Yesterday I went for my Free! Lasik! Consult! as touted by a Houston-based doctor that comes to my city once a week.Â I’ve been thinking about lasik (LASIK? Lasik? oh who cares) for a while, and if I’m serious about getting into any sort of law enforcement – federal or otherwise – it’s pretty much a must.Â My vision uncorrected is something god-awful like 20/400.Â I can’t even see the big E without my glasses or contacts, and most law enforcement agencies won’t consider anyone with uncorrected vision worse than 20/100 for a field position.

Anyway, yesterday I went for an evaluation and within 45 minutes I was signed up for the procedure.Â August 18, yo.Â Supposedly after resting my eyes that afternoon, I’ll be able to drive myself to the follow-up appointment the next morning, totally corrective-aid free.Â I find this hard to believe, but it sounds awesome.Â And only possible through magic.Â Certainly it will not involve lasers aimed at my eyeballs, because that is horrific and scary and shudder-inducing.

Denial.Â It ain’t just a river in Egypt, people.

Nic (man, even I hate the way that looks but I will persist) and I found ourselves sans kids last week (they were both out of town visiting grandparents) and we hardly knew what to do with ourselves in the evenings.Â We muddled through, going out to dinner several times and even squeezing in a movie – Horrible Bosses.

I highly recommend this movie, you guys.Â If you’ve ever had a boss that you’ve hated even a little (and if you say you haven’t, I say you’re lying), this is the movie for you.Â Office Space is another movie I recommend for disgruntled employees, but it’s more applicable for corporate drones stuck in a cubicle farm.Â Horrible Bosses appeals to a much wider audience.Â Almost everyone has a boss, and very few people adore theirs.

Jason Bateman is awesome as always and perfect in his role as the voice of reason.Â It reminded me of his character in Arrested Development (another must-see) – the long-suffering normal person who inevitably finds himself in the midst of crazy people.Â And I really don’t care for It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia (no link, just because) but Charlie Day was really funny and charming in a pathetic sort of way.Â I didn’t think Jason Sudeikis was quite as good as the other two (probably because I’m never fond of the overgrown frat boy character), but every movie has to have a weak link and he did have some good lines.

The three bosses were cast perfectly as well.Â Kevin Spacey was doing his standard thing, Jennifer Aniston was really vamping it up (her eye makeup was over-the-top and so not HER but it worked), and Colin Farrell does obnoxious and disgusting oh so very well.

The language is foul but the one-liners are great.Â The theater was full and everyone laughed out loud throughout the entire movie.Â There were none of the plot holes that I tend to expect in comedies – usually the writers are so focused on the jokes they tend to lose sight of the story, but not here.Â And added bonus for me, the Old Lady Moviegoer that I am: only one scene made me cringe a little with crude “toilet humor”.Â If (WHEN) you see it, you will know exactly what I mean and it really isn’t terrible at all, especially as compared to other “comedies” these days.Â (OMG, Grandma?Â Is that you?)

Horrible Bosses really isn’t anything you need to see on the big screen, of course.Â Nic and I usually reserve that for blockbuster-type action movies that have impressive special effects, but since we had the opportunity (and I’d already seen Green Lantern which I’ll review some other time) we went for it.Â Totally, totally worth the expense of the tickets and giant vat of Coke that Nic requires for any movie viewing – and I’ll definitely buy the DVD (or Blu-ray, I guess) whenever it comes out.Â Two enthusiastic thumbs up:Â one for me, and one for my movie reviewer by proxy.

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It’s funny now, but check with me in a few years

NonSoccerMom — Wed, 11 May 2011 06:38:20 +0000

Tonight, before dinner:

Miss T: I’m firsty! I want some juice.

Me: Go get your cup out of the fridge then.Â You can reach it.Â Then sit down at the table, it’s almost time to eat.

Miss T: [retrieves juice, settles herself at the table] I did it!

Me: Good!Â Did you wash your hands?

Miss T: [huffs loudly, clearly quite annoyed] Well WHY did you tell me to sit at the table then?

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A most accusatory conversation

NonSoccerMom — Sat, 05 Mar 2011 15:39:25 +0000

Since N was in Florida for a week, the kids were very excited to see him on Tuesday evening.Â Wednesday he dropped them off at school and told Miss T that he would pick her up after work.Â However, he got bogged down in first-day-back mess, so asked me to get her instead.Â She’ll be mad, he warned, because she’s expecting me.

And indeed she was mad, and threw a fit from the time I buckled her into the car until we pulled into the garage.Â (Fortunately, it’s a short trip.)Â I managed to distract her by requesting “help” with dinner, and by the time N arrived home it appeared that his transgression was forgotten.

But after dinner the three of us were still sitting at the table (sans AE, who always wolfs down his dinner and then runs off to do whatever it is that 8-year-old boys do), and Miss T leaned back in her chair, a watchful eye on her father.

“I wanted you to pick me up from school,” she began, her tone that of a person betrayed.Â “But you didn’t.”Â Pointing at me, Miss T continued deliberately, “She picked me up.Â And you weren’t there.”

Her point made, Miss T resumed her casual pose and waited for a response.Â N and I were helpless to do anything but laugh, because it was easy to read between the lines and hear what she didn’t say: You ruined my evening, and I hope you’re happy.

This kid, y’all.Â Man.Â I feel sorry for her future husband.

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FIRE!*

NonSoccerMom — Sun, 27 Feb 2011 15:26:01 +0000

It’s been so long since I posted here that I forgot how to log in.Â Well, in the interest of full disclosure: the blog redesign took the admin link off my home page and I didn’t know the web address to get in through the back door so N had to text it to me from Florida.Â Ahem.

Anyhow, I’ve been surviving as a single parent for the last several days while my husband is off playing local celebrity.Â And quite frankly, I am exhausted.Â I have a deep, profound respect for people who do this all the time because I am simply wiped out.Â Miss T is…high energy, to say the least.Â I could turn my back on toddler AE for whole minutes at a time without fear that he’d mortally injure himself or one of the pets.Â Not so much with the little one, not to mention her propensity for running away and/or thrashing wildly when she doesn’t want to go somewhere or do something I’ve asked.Â Parenting her at this age is very physical, is what I’m saying.Â I need a nap.

I don’t really have anything of huge interest to report, just busy as usual. Let’s see…

I made 100 on my first statistics test (whee!) and if the posted grade distribution is any indication I was one of just a few to destroy the curve.Â Sorry, online classmates that I will never meet!Â (But not really, because 100, bitches!)

I have decided that N and I need to take a vacation this summer in celebration of our 10th (!) anniversary, so I’ve been searching for one that meets my very specific qualifications of A) passport required and B) tropical locale.Â We’ll see what happens – N’s not really enamored ofÂ the beach (and truth be told, I hate sand too but want to go someplace warm) and I don’t want to spend a ton of money, but we’ve got a bunch of airline miles saved up so that should give us some flexibility.Â Plus, N is a master of finding awesome travel deals so I’m hopeful that we’ll find something fun without breaking the bank.

Miss T is still working on certain aspects of potty training, and I am attempting to bribe her.Â If she poops in the potty instead of her pants, she’ll get a sticker.Â If she saves up five stickers, I’ll buy her a new My Little Pony.Â I have little to no faith that this will actually work, but it certainly can’t make things worse.

Evidently there was broccoli of questionable decency in the veggie tray I bought for my office Food Day on Friday, and as soon as the tray was opened we all nearly died of the stench.Â I took it outside and threw it into the grass almost immediately but it was too late.Â In what can only be described as Broccoligate, the smell had already permeated the entire building and had people talking about “that horrible smell” all day long.Â I am sorry, coworkers, but this is not my fault.Â For once, I actually did NOT buy the “manager’s special” tray with an imminent expiration date.Â That broccoli should have been good at least through the weekend, so I refuse to claim responsibility for this.Â Of course, that doesn’t matter because now I am the office pariah, known only as “the woman who brought the disgusting broccoli and nearly gassed us all”.Â Lucky me.

AE was picked as “Kid of the Week” for his after-school program, so that means he gets to go have lunch at a local restaurant with some of his counselors on Wednesday.Â He’s pretty excited about it, and I’m very proud of him.Â When I picked him up on Friday they told me how much they enjoy kids like AE – quiet, respectful and obedient.Â Nice to know that at least one of my kids can be described with those words.

I’m supposed to have jury duty tomorrow, and I am really hoping that when I call tonight the automated courthouse voice tells me that I don’t have to come.Â Â Last time I had it, I was forced to make the 20-minute drive then stand around for over an hour before being dismissed.Â Not that either of those things is a huge inconvenience but quite frankly, if I am going to be dismissed anyway then I’d rather save myself the trouble.

My birthday is in less than 3 weeks, so maybe I should bring my “stuff I want” page up-to-date…you know, in case anyone wants to buy me things.Â Particularly shiny ones.

*Not really (and I am pleased to report that I have successfully toasted at least five items in a row without flames), but I once read somewhere that screaming FIRE! is the best way to garner attention.Â So there you go.

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Kicking the habit

NonSoccerMom — Mon, 17 Jan 2011 02:12:01 +0000

We’ve been trying to break Miss T of her pervasive home paci habit for quite a while now (she doesn’t use one at school). Â And by “we” I mean me, N and her grandmothers. Â But mostly me, because it drives me half insane to listen to her talk around it. Â You’d think that having a rubber nipple in her mouth would impede the constant flow of words. Â Alas, that is not the case.

Also, I’m worried about her overbite that seems to be developing, not to mention the fact that I am sick to death of seeing that damn paci in 90% of what would otherwise be really cute pictures.

I do realize that to actually wean her from the paci completely will likely entail either A) cutting the tips off, thereby rendering them unsatisfying to suck; or B) throwing them away entirely and going cold turkey.Â And of course, I always swore that with my second kid I’d be sure to ditch the pacifier at the same time as the bottle, because it took us so long to get it away from AE.

But. Miss T was such a shitty sleeper for so long that I was loathe to do anything to mess with the bedtime routine, you know?Â She weaned herself off the bottle right around a year, but was still not even close to sleeping through the night at that point so I wasn’t about to take away her beloved paci.Â Although now that I think about it, since she wasn’t sleeping anyway that probably would have been the perfect time.Â Ah well.Â Hindsight, etc.Â However, I’m still not ready to mess with her sleep – I think I have PTSD from those first few sleepless years and I’ll be damned if I’m going back to that dark place.

Anyhoo, my point is that I have hit on what I think to be a clever solution.Â The new rule is:Â paci stays in the bed.Â So she can still have it at night but if she wants it during the day, she has to sit in the crib.Â This has resulted in several short “paci breaks” throughout each day, not unlike a nicotine addict’s requisite smoke breaks.Â It cracks us up.Â She’ll just say, “Mommy, I go sit in my bed now.”Â I plop her in, she happily pacis it up for about ten minutes, and then she takes it out and calls me to come get her.Â Plus, while she’s confined in her crib we get a few minutes of peace without having to worry that she’s being a little too quiet.

Everyone wins.

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A conversation with Miss T

NonSoccerMom — Sat, 08 Jan 2011 02:13:45 +0000

Subtitled: This is what they’re teaching in the three-year-old class?

Sub-subtitled: Anatomy 101, for those who are in need of a refresher course*

Tonight we were doing the usual pre-bath routine – the one where I wait for what seems like an eternity for Miss T to…finish her business.Â We’ve found it speeds the process if you engage her in conversation as a distraction, so that’s what I was attempting to do when she floored me with some newly obtained knowledge:

Miss T: Boys don’t go poop.

Me: What?!Â Yes they do.

Miss T: No they don’t.

Me: [continuing my fine mothering tradition of asking stupid questions to which I don’t really want the answer] What makes you say that boys don’t poop?

Miss T: They don’t have a hole!

Me: …

Miss T: They don’t have a hole so they don’t go poop.

Me: I…wow.Â Just…gah.Â That’s not right at all.Â Where did you hear that?Â You’re only three!!Â Believe me, boys do go poop.

Miss T: No.

Me: Trust me on this one, kid.Â They have a hole.Â And they definitely poop.

Miss T: They have a hole?

Me: [wondering when, exactly, it was that my life came to this point] Yes.Â Yes, they do.

Miss T: [impressed] Boys poop?

Me: Everyone poops.

Miss T: [awed] Everyone poops?!

Me: Everyone.Â Tell your friends.Â Wait, maybe not.

Miss T: [utterly amazed] Boys poop.

Me: Can you just get in the bath now please?

*One time I had a coworker ask me – apropos of nothing and in all seriousness – how our bodies “know” to poop out of one hole and pee out of another.Â After staring at her in open shock for several seconds, I stammered out a basic lesson on the inner workings of the human body.Â She nodded thoughtfully, obviously satisfied with my answer, and walked away as though we’d been casually discussing the weather.Â It was quite possibly the most bizarre encounter I’ve had in my entire life.

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Three

NonSoccerMom — Mon, 27 Dec 2010 10:44:26 +0000

Dear Miss T:

Happy birthday, little one.Â Three years, wow!Â Look at you, getting all big and stuff.

You, missy, certainly keep us all on our toes.Â You’re just always up to something – whether with the intent of mischief or not.Â For example, one morning when I went to get you out of bed, I noticed that something wasn’t right.Â What’s going on with your pants? I asked.Â You grinned and exclaimed, dey’re on de WONG WAY! Yes, yes they most definitely were.Â Apparently at some point during the night you took off your pants, turned them inside out, then put them back on.Â Impressive, yet bizarre.

I don’t know that I’ll ever get used to the differences between you and AE.Â And oh, there are many.Â You’re just such a typical toddler, and I realize now that he wasn’t.Â You’re everything he isn’t – strong-willed and high-energy and basically just crazy-pants.Â But in a FUN way.Â (Most of the time.)

You have an incredible sense of humor.Â You really do.Â You go out of your way to make people laugh, and I can tell that you get such joy from doing so.Â I’m sure eventually we’ll be getting phone calls from exasperated teachers – your personality has “class clown” written all over it – but for now, we just laugh.

And your imagination – I’ve never seen anything like it.Â You can take the most innocuous of items and see whole scenarios, which you cheerfully play out much to the confusion of your brother, poor guy, firmly entrenched in his box as he is.Â He just doesn’t understand the way your wee mind works.Â I don’t either, to be honest, but it is obviously a wondrous, fascinating place.Â I hope you keep that creativity throughout your life.Â It will serve you well.

You’re such a joy.Â For all your stubbornness and spite and that propensity for tiny, tiny rage, you really are just that.Â An absolute delight.Â You live with such reckless abandon that it’s hard to not fall prey to your charm.Â I wish I had your cheer.Â Not to mention your apparently endless energy, as you careen wildly from one activity of questionable safety to the next.Â (Side note: it really would be fine if you just…sat down every once in a while.)

You’re still fearless.Â It concerns me from time to time, honestly, since I have to be constantly vigilant whenever you leave the room.Â But you also have a high tolerance for pain, which is a fortunate match for your dangerous lifestyle.Â You’re a wonder, little one.

I’m a little worried about what the next year of your life holds for us – as comparatively easy of a toddler as your brother was, three was still difficult.Â I will never understand why the twos are supposedly so terrible – three was far far worse for us.Â But I’m not going to worry about it too much – we’ll just take each day at a time and enjoy you for what you are.Â A sweet, loving, charming, beautiful little girl that I love more than life itself.

I adore you, baby girl.Â We all do, even AE.Â He may play coy at times, but I hear what’s going on when the two of you assume I’m not listening.Â He’s becoming that big brother I’d always hoped he’d be.Â He’s your unwitting hero, your protector, your greatest admirer.Â Treasure that, baby girl.Â You’ve got the greatest sibling a kid could ever hope for.

I’m so lucky, I can’t even put it into words.Â I love you so much and I hope you have a wonderful birthday.

Mommy

P.S.Â Sorry about the post-Christmas birthday timing you got stuck with.Â It…kind of sucks.

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From the outside listening in

NonSoccerMom — Sat, 04 Dec 2010 13:50:03 +0000

Scene: Dinnertime, kitchen.Â I’m putting away the clean silverware.Â N is sitting nearby.

Me: This silverware is getting nasty.Â We’re going to need to replace it.Â It offends me.

N: Yeah, I know.Â That’s okay, we’ll have to go to IKEA soon anyway to get a thing for his thing.Â [looks meaningfully at AE]

AE: [looks up from his dinner, confused]Â What thing?

Me: Maybe not.Â I meant to tell you, my sister says that if we need her thing we can have it.

N: Oh yeah?Â Why’s that?

Me: She doesn’t use it anymore.

N: Is it the kind of thing we need?

AE: [puzzled]Â What thing?

Me: Yeah.Â Actually I think it is from IKEA, so the same thing we’d get there.

AE: [getting frustrated]Â WHAT thing are you guys talking about?

N: Hmm, I don’t think I’ve ever seen that thing.

Me: Standard thing.Â [gesturing with hands]Â Shelves and stuff.

N: [nods]

AE: WHAT THING?

Me: Nothing, sweetie.Â Eat your dinner.

AE: [shaking head]Â Whatever.

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