NonSoccerMom.com

Hello from Providence, Rhode Island!  I’ve been here since Monday evening, attending a work conference.  I won’t bore you with the conference details, but I was the single person chosen from my office to attend.  (Because it was my turn.  But still – yay for me!)

I’ve never been to Rhode Island before, and in fact haven’t spent a lot of time in New England at all, so this has actually been a fun experience for me (hours of meetings notwithstanding.  But in all honesty, even the meetings weren’t bad – it’s nice to talk shop with colleagues from other institutions, you know?  ANYWAY).  I hit it off with a woman from Buffalo, and we ended up going out to dinner last night with a group of ladies from the Boston area (one of whom was a transplant from Ireland, so her accent was extra-fun).  It seems that quite a few of the conference attendees are from Boston and the surrounding areas, and I love listening to them talk.  I’m sure they probably feel the same way about me because try as I may, “y’all” keeps flying out of my mouth far more often than it normally would.

I’ve had excellent New England clam chowder, scallops that were among the best I’ve ever had, and a fabulous shrimp pasta.  The seafood options alone make coming here worthwhile, is what I’m saying.

I spent a pleasant (if surprisingly warm) afternoon walking around town taking pictures after the conference ended today.   I had a very nice chat with the poor lonely park ranger at Roger Williams National Memorial, and he gave me the scoop on where to go and what to see.  Providence is pretty small, and I was able to cover a lot of ground in just a few hours.  There are tons of gorgeous Colonial-era buildings, and an impressive amount of hills.  So in addition to a crash lesson in Rhode Island history, I was able to get in my daily workout at the same time.

The one downside of the trip (other than being lonely – I’d be having way more fun if N had been able to come) has been the complete lack of internet access in my hotel room.  N swears, the nicer the hotel, the crappier the internet service.  That seems to hold true here – it’s $9.95/day to get access in the rooms, and it isn’t wireless.  And OF COURSE the cable they provide doesn’t work with my computer.  So if you would like to know where I am sitting to bring this post to you – that would be the hotel lobby, where there IS free wi-fi.  I swear, the sacrifices I make for you people.

Here – since I’m already making sacrifices, enjoy some photos.  They were taken with my iPhone (the only camera I brought), and I had to e-mail each one to myself individually because the phone cable is back in my room.  You are welcome.

Because sometimes they are almost as amusing as conversations with my kids.

Scene: My cubicle at the office, around 10 a.m.  My mom called to ask a question.

Mom: I’m sorry to bother you at work, but I need to know what that thing is called that my friends gave me at my retirement party.

Me: That wine tasting cup?  I have no idea.  Why?

Mom: Yeah, that.  I’m trying to write thank you notes and want to refer to it by name.  Didn’t someone call it something that started with an s?  Somm-something?

Me: Sommelier?  That’s not the cup, that’s the guy that uses it.

Mom: Are you sure?  Then what’s the other thing called?

Me: I don’t know, why don’t you just call it a wine tasting cup?

Mom: Because I want to know what it is really called.

Me: Fine.  Let me google it.  [hoping my nearby coworkers are enjoying their impromptu wine lesson]  Here we go, it’s a Tastevin.

Mom: A what?

Me: It’s pronounced taht-VAHN.

Mom: Okay…how do you spell that?

Me: T-A-S-T-E-V-I-N.

Mom: T-A-S-T-B-I-N.

Me: No!  T-A-S-T-EEEEEEEE-V-as-in-Victor-I-N.  [acutely aware that at least 6 people can clearly hear my end of the conversation]

Mom: T-A-S-T-V-I-N.

Me: [getting annoyed]  Mother!

Coworker with adjoining cubicle: [unable to keep from laughing any longer]

Me: You do realize that my coworkers can hear me and probably now think I am insane.

Mom: Oops. [laughing]  I’m sorry!  One more time.

Me: Taste.  Vin.  V-I-N.

Mom: Oh!  So like you’re tasting wine.

Me: [bangs head against desk]

Dear County Constable Officer:

I owe you a sincere thanks for not ticketing my dumb ass as it sped merrily through a 45 mph work zone at 60 miles an hour.  While, um, talking on my cell phone.  I deserved that ticket and we both knew it.  Although to be honest, I’m just glad you didn’t clock me five minutes before, when I was flying low at nearly 90.

However, you were kind enough to make me a deal:  if I listened to your brief lecture on the dangers of speeding – especially through construction areas – you’d let me off with a written warning.  This time.

And that, my good sir, is the best deal I’ve been offered in quite a while.

Thanks again, A grateful new law-abiding citizen

*****

Dear Professor Old:

I’m trying to help you.  Really I am.  However, I have to admit that I’m getting a little frustrated.  We’re talking in circles here.

I told you that I’ll take care of getting the letter that you need.  I promise, I will.  That’s part of my job.  And I guarantee that I will get it signed by our authorized organization representative, a person who is also known as an AOR.

But here’s the thing.  You keep tossing around “AOR”, constantly, in every single e-mail that you send, and to quote Inigo Montoya: You keep using that word, and I do not think it means what you think it means.  Yet you continue to emphasize the necessity.  It’s really the priority at this point, you e-mailed me, to get the AOR.

And while I’d love to oblige, something tells me that my boss may object to being gotten.  As I’ve tried to explain, the AOR is a person.  You can get the AOR’s signature.  You can get the AOR a cup of coffee.  However, you cannot get the AOR.

We won’t even discuss the convoluted manner in which you’re approaching your budget preparation, or the fact that I don’t have a clue how to submit your proposal in the first place.  But none of that matters anyway, because as you’ve pointed out repeatedly – the main thing is just to get the AOR.

Best of luck, NonSoccerMom

*****

Dear Cat:

If you don’t shut your face, I’ll be forced to shut it for you.  Just a gentle word of warning.  FTLOG.

Thanks much, Your incredibly disgruntled owner

*****

Dear Miss T:

I love you dearly, you know that, so I just need to throw this out there:

It is really, really embarrassing when I’m carrying you into a public place for you to have your arms wrapped around my neck while loudly yelling, “I want my Mommy!  I want my Mommy!”

Love, YOUR MOTHER

I’ve been sadly remiss in posting anything about the very busy last couple of weeks, and if nothing else I need to get that last post off the top of my home page.  To that end, pitifully short summaries.  With pictures!

Over Memorial Day weekend, N and I went to Baltimore for his college roommate’s wedding.  We hadn’t seen a lot of his friends in years (since the last one of them got married in San Antonio five years ago, probably), so it was nice for N to get the chance to catch up.  He hung out with them both nights we were there, leaving me alone in a hotel room.  Which was fine, I’m certainly capable of entertaining myself (which in this case consisted mainly of watching TV and tweeting about having forgotten to pack pajamas).

Unfortunately I also forgot to pack a necklace for the wedding, which bothers me every time  I look at this picture.  Oh well.

The reception venue was very pretty, the appetizers were yummy and the wine was free-flowing.  So even though I don’t know most of N’s high school/college buddies very well (and was the only wife in attendance) I still had a nice time.  Beyond the wedding, we managed to sneak a little sight-seeing into a very quick, but quite enjoyable trip.

Then I had a few days to recover before the very next weekend, when it was time for another wedding.  My brother-in-law (Bill) got hitched in League City, Texas.  N was the best man, AE was one of the ring bearers and Miss T was a flower girl, so everyone got the chance to get all dressed up.

AE is not happy about having his wee sister on his lap at the rehearsal.  “Can we please go now?”

After a while, Miss T was done with the rehearsal too, and as you can see was being difficult when it came to having her picture  made.  It is not easy to hold that kid when she wants to be put down.

Personally, I think my kids were the cutest little wedding attendants in the history of marriage, but it is possible I’m biased.

It was hotter than hell during the ceremony, but that may have just been a manifestation of my stress since I ended up wrangling children that did not belong to me.  As a general rule, I do not like other people’s kids.  And that is all I have to say about that.

There was plenty of dancing and it certainly seemed like everyone was having a good time.  Although at dinner I did discover my own personal version of hell:  children + rented and/or expensive clothing + chocolate fountain = GAH.  But in the end, all was well, and now I have a new sister-in-law.  Welcome to the family!

Ever since we made it home, I’ve found myself mired down in laundry and playing catch-up at work and just keeping up with life in general.  N and I are taking AE to Denver later this week, so the next few days will be spent getting prepped and ready for that.  Miss T will be spending that time with her beloved Nonna (my mother), but AE is actually in The Swamp at the moment so we’ll have to do the meet-and-swap some time before our flight out on Thursday afternoon.  Anyhoo, all that to say, I very likely won’t be updating again before we return from Denver, so see you on the flip side!

Good news!  Now, apparently, I am attracting all sorts of pervy googlers.  That’s what I’ve been going for.  I’ve finally achieved my goal of catering to the deviant population of the world.  What did I do to deserve this?  Oh, right.  I watched the (PG-13 rated) movie xXx and reviewed it here (rather half-assedly, I might add).  Stupid, clearly.  Also stupid, actually listing all of these alarming search phrases which will undoubtedly cause me to get even more hits and around and around we go.  I’m going to have to delete my entire blog, aren’t I?  Because now I’m getting hits from searches like this:

• “xxx mom” – Whatever floats your boat, I guess.
• “mom xxx” – Fine, fine.  Whatevs.  We get it.  Disturbing though it may be.
• “i want to watch, mom and son xxx videos” – I really could have lived my entire life without knowing that people have fetishes like this one.
• “mom home make videos xxx” – Ew.
• “i want suck mom.com” – Just, no.
• “xxx mom movies” – Why?  WHY.
• “mom sucking boy” – OH MY GOD.

The good news is, clearly none of these people found what they were looking for as none of them actually stayed on the site long enough to read anything.  The bad news…well, that should be self explanatory, and if it isn’t, I can’t help you.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go take a shower.  Or ten.