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2016 in review

NonSoccerMom — Fri, 06 Jan 2017 04:18:44 +0000

I’m still trying to get back into regular writing (and my sweet husband got me a shiny new Chromebook for Christmas and now I have no excuses) so what better way to do that then an easy Q&A? I’ve done this one at least a few times before but not for 2015 because lazy. Anyway, here we go.

1. What did you do in 2016 that youâ€d never done before?

Went through the high school application process with my 8th grader. Went to a concert (Metallica!) at AT&T Park. Took a family vacation to Europe. Presented at a national conference for work. Attended (and presented at) a conference in Maui.Â Took part in a nationally-released photo project.

2. Did you keep your New Yearâ€s resolutions, and will you make more?

I didn’t make any resolutions (as per usual) and no, not planning on making any.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Yes! My little sister gave birth to a gorgeous baby girl. I love her so.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Not this year.

5. Â What countries did you visit?

Greece, Malta, Italy, France, Turkey and Spain. We went on a 10-day cruise through the Mediterranean and it was GLORIOUS. Our flights also took us through SwedenÂ but I don’t count that as a “visit” since it was just a passport stamp and sitting in the airport.

6. Â What would you like to have in 2017 that you lacked in 2016?

A solid career track. My job is going well and it’s perfect for where I am in my life, but it’s somewhat lacking in a path for professional growth and I’d like to have a clear plan.

7. What dates from 2016 will remain etched in your memory, and why?

April 11, when my sweet little niece was born. The end of June/early July, when we were on our cruise. November 8, when I realized with horror what our nation had done.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

I established my worth in a new job, earning a good reputation and the respect of a challenging group of personalities. Also, taking on a train wreck of a work project and turning it into something respectable, despite my limited knowledge and experience in that particular aspect of my job.

9. What was your biggest failure?

I allowed my emotions and frustration to get the better of me and walked out of a heated meeting with my boss. (I apologized. It’s all fine now.)

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

I had a health situation in October that got out of hand because I tried to ignore it. Nothing life-threatening or anything, but it was incredibly miserable. Lesson learned: go to the doctor BEFORE pain becomes all-consuming.

11. Â What was the best thing you bought?

The cruise.

12. Where did most of your money go?

Rent. The aforementioned cruise. And as always, the federal government and the state of California. I shake my fist at you, taxes.

13. Â What did you get really excited about?

I think planning and preparing for our family vacation was almost as fun as the trip itself. I love the anticipation.

14. What song will always remind you of 2016?

Disturbed’s version of “The Sound of Silence” even though that came out in 2015. I listened to it a LOT and it is hauntingly wonderful. Adele’s “Hello” because they played it on the radio sooooooo muuuuuuuch.

15. Compared to last year are you: Richer or poorer? Thinner or fatter? Happier or sadder?

RicherÂ on paper, but somehow expenses always seem to expand in relation to any additional funds. No real change in my sizeÂ but man, my personal happiness has taken a real nosedive since the election. The next four years are going to be rough.

16. What do you wish youâ€d done more of?

Exercising, especially since I have free access to multiple campus gyms.

17. What do you wish youâ€d done less of?

Getting worked up and stressed out about the election campaign. I had convinced myself it was okay for me to get really immersed in all of the horribleness, thinking that awful excuse for a man would never win. I thought the high levels of stress would be temporary and I’d be over it once we got past election night. I was devastatingly wrong.

18. How did you spend Christmas?

In Texas with the family.

19. What was your favorite TV show?

Supernatural, again (still). The most recent season of American Horror Story (the Roanoke one) was pretty good. Entertaining, at least. I’m really enjoying the new Lethal Weapon series, and surprisingly the new MacGyver too. Didn’t think that one would win me over.

20. What were your favorite books of the year?

For someone who commutes via train, I don’t really read as many books as I probably should. I did read The Light Between Oceans, which was very good. Finally read The Exorcist and enjoyed it, though not as much as the movie. I’m currently working on The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, which is good so far (I started it in 2016 so it counts).

21. Favorite music?

Metallica dropped a new album for the first time in ages so that’s the clear winner. Really though, I just love music. I choose my playlist depending on mood, normally – I have a heavy metal list, a list of upbeat, fast-paced stuff, and a list I’ve named angst/ennui. That one got a lot of use in 2016,

22. Favorite films?

Rogue OneÂ was really good.Â I also enjoyed Star Trek: Beyond.

23. What did you do on your birthday and how old were you?

It was a Saturday, so the family and I hung out at home mostly. I turned 37.

24. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Being able to retire and live out the rest of my life on a well-appointed yacht, without a care in the world. This will consistently beÂ my answer to this particular question, always and forever.

25. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2016?

Dark skinny jeans.Â Converse. Infinity scarves. Second verse, same as the first.

26. What kept you sane?

Music. Wine. Family. Same as always.

27. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2016.

Sometimes you have to suck it up and apologize for the sake of diplomacy even if you aren’t sorry.

The post 2016 in review first appeared on NonSoccerMom.com.

Thankfulness

NonSoccerMom — Wed, 23 Nov 2016 23:15:15 +0000

It’s harder this year. Isn’t it? The world – and especially our country – is changing and sometimes that seems scary and overwhelming, and I don’t know about anyone else but I’m having a hard time with thankfulness of late. So I’m going to do a little something I’ve done before (no links, because lazy and also no one is reading anyway) and list out things that I’m thankful for right now. Family, health, etc. are a given, so this is really about the little things. It’s easy to lose sight of those, especially when the big picture seems so bleak. So! *brisk clap* Here we go.

I’m thankful for living somewhere with mild weather pretty much year round.

I’m also thankful for a landlord that gets involved when we ask him to but leaves us alone the rest of the time.

AÂ job that doesn’t make me miserable (and is even enjoyable some of the time). And for a flexible dress code that allows me to get away with wearing jeans pretty much whenever.

TheÂ new Metallica album that dropped earlier this month.

New pink Converse.

A nearby consignment store where I can often score things like mint condition 7 For All Mankind jeans.

Living in a city where I have limitless food delivery options, so that I can order whatever I want from the comfort of my living room.

Having older kids that both sleep through the night and help with household chores.

That my 8yo has discovered the new version of MacGyver and snuggles up on the couch with me to watch and discuss.

Hot apple cider with a splash (okay, sometimes more than a splash) of rum.

A nearby hair salon with awesome Yelp ratings, reasonable prices and ONLINE APPOINTMENT BOOKING (whether I am thankful for the results will be determined Saturday.)

Old episodes of Supernatural and Burn Notice, which I can watch a million times over without ever getting sick of them.

Ditto Escape From New York, my absolute favorite movie of all time.

Having the means and the vacation time to visit family in Texas for the holidays.

Wine. Always, always wine.

The post Thankfulness first appeared on NonSoccerMom.com.

2014 in review

NonSoccerMom — Wed, 07 Jan 2015 04:29:08 +0000

Technically I guess I should have done this on December 31, but I didn’t get around to it so better late than never. (Never seems to have mostly been the theme around here lately. Ahem.) Anyway,Â I used to really enjoy doing this year-end wrap-up post every year, so here it is.

1. What did you do in 2014 that you’d never done before?

Experienced an earthquake. Went to a movie sing-a-long (Frozen) at the Castro Theatre. Visited theÂ Point Bonita Lighthouse. Sat in club level seats at a GiantsÂ game. Went to a minor league baseball game. Became the parent of a middle schooler. Visited Lake Tahoe (highly recommend) and Reno (not so much). Attended a conference in Washington, D.C. I’m sure lots of other things too – it has been a busy year!

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more?

No, I generally don’t make resolutions because they inevitably lead to disappointment and feelings of failure. And also I have the memory capabilities of a goldfish so I’d probably forget them before I could accomplish anything anyway!

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

One of my best friends from high schoolÂ had an adorable (and tiny!) baby girl. I finally met her at two months old…and she was still 7 ounces shy of how much my daughter weighed AT BIRTH.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

No, thankfully.

5. Â What countries did you visit?

None this year, but next year I’ll finally have something fun to report for this question!

6. Â What would you like to have in 2015 that you lacked in 2014?

Endless cash flow. Wouldn’t we all? No, seriously – I’d like to feel really fulfilled in and excited by my job. I’m very good at what I do but sometimes it’s less than personally fulfilling.

7. What dates from 2014 will remain etched in your memory, and why?

Hmm. See above re: goldfish memory.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

I don’t really think I’ve achieved anything too huge this year. It’s been a long, tough year at work full of both minor achievements and minor failures but nothing that really stands out. In my personal lifeÂ I think it has mostly been status quo.

9. What was your biggest failure?

At work I rearranged some staff assignments without first checking in with the client base which caused a HUGE kerfuffle.Â The client reactionÂ totally took me by surprise and I was able to damage control, but lesson learned. Never again!

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Nothing major. Sinus and stomach issues here and there, per the usual.

11. Â What was the best thing you bought?

A pair of super-dark, super-stretchy skinny jeans. They keep their shape through multiple wears, are very flattering and extremely comfortable. Also I got them on sale, which basically makes them the perfect purchase.

12. Where did most of your money go?

Rent. The federal government and the state of California, both of whichÂ take an appalling amount of my paycheck each month. Disney got a significant chunk this year as well.

13. Â What did you get really excited about?

Christmas vacation. Going to Disney was so much fun (see #18 below) and I wish that we could do that every year! Also just having two solid weeks away from a stressful job really helped me put things in perspective.

14. What song will always remind you of 2014?

Same answer as my husband – “All of Me” by John Legend, which I actually did like at first but am now quite sick of. Either that, or “Let it Go” from Frozen.

15. Compared to last year are you: Richer or poorer? Thinner or fatter? Happier or sadder?

Richer, at least on paper. No real change in my size or overall happiness levels.

16. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Running and/or going to the gym.

17. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Lamenting what I do not have.

18. How did you spend Christmas?

At DisneyÂ WorldÂ with my family (including parents, sister and brother-in-law). It wasn’t a traditional Christmas but we had a fantastic time! We flew into Orlando Christmas Eve and stayed until the 28th. It was the perfect length and everyone had so much fun.

19. What was your favorite TV show?

Sons of Anarchy, and now it is OVER and I am SAD. I also binge-watched American Horror Story on Netflix and adored season 1, but have lukewarm feelings about Freak Show so I can’t call this an overall favorite. NCIS is still a long-running fave, along with Supernatural and Hawaii 5-0.

20. What were your favorite books of the Â year?

The Fault in Our Stars was so, so good (still need to see the movie!) and I read Marley & Me during Christmas and really enjoyed that one too…which I guess has also been made into a movie. Maybe I should watch it too.

21. Favorite music?

I just like music, even the pop hits they play ad nauseum on the local mix station. So I don’t really have a favorite (except Metallica of course. Always Metallica.)

22. Favorite films?

Guardians of the Galaxy was fun. We don’t go to the movies a lot but I’m looking forward to the next Avengers movie.

23. What did you do on your birthday and how old were you?

Stupidly, I went to work. I don’t plan on making that mistake again this year, although my team softened the blow with a Metallica-themed gift and decorations. I turned 35.

24. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Being able to retire and live out the rest of my life on a well-appointed yacht, without a care in the world. This will consistently beÂ my answer to this particular question, always and forever.

25. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2014?

Boots and leggings. And lots of cardigans. Also scarves.

26. What kept you sane?

I drink a lot of wine, but that probablyÂ benefits those around me more than anything else.

27. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2014.

Sometimes personal growth is painful.

The post 2014 in review first appeared on NonSoccerMom.com.

Here we are

NonSoccerMom — Tue, 16 Dec 2014 05:08:51 +0000

I really do want to get back into blogging, so I guess the best thing to do is just a little free association-type writing…and a few updates.

The Job – is the job. Good days and bad, just like any job. I have a great team and have made some good friends. That is all I’m going to say about that.

The Schools – are great. T is in 1st grade this year (I KNOW) and A is in 6th. So they’re not at the same school anymore…we got to enjoy that for all of one year, but I guess that’s more than we would have in our old district (the elementary only went up to 4th grade there). Anyway, the middle school transition has gone remarkably well for A and I’m very proud of him. And the schools are only 6 blocks apart so it isn’t a big deal – I drop them both off at T’s elementary in the mornings and A walks down to school with his buddies since it starts much later. Easy.

The House – is also great. Total dumb luck that we found a place to meet our needs in a city with such a crazy rental market, but we really enjoy both the neighborhood and the house itself.

The Pets – still alive, annoyingly enough. I’m kidding, sort of, but the dog is old and starting to become incontinent and, well, it’s exactly as fun as it sounds.

The Husband’s Job – is going well, I think. He’s actually on his second job since moving out here and now works at the same university I do, though in a different department and at a different location within the city.

The Holiday Plans – second (third) verse, same as the first. We’re headed back to Texas for two weeks to visit family. But we are going to Disney World starting on Christmas Eve (through T’s birthday) so everyone is very excited about that. It’s what we decided to do with my parents, sister and brother-in-law instead of exchanging gifts and so forth but as I’m sure you can surmise, it isn’t exactly the same cost-wise. Oh well.

So there you have it, in a nutshell and with almost no editing. The state of things, such as they are. I’m back, baby.

The post Here we are first appeared on NonSoccerMom.com.

2011, in a nutshell (kind of)

NonSoccerMom — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 18:19:38 +0000

If interested for comparison purposes, you can find 2010’s end-of-year summary here. Â If you write one, let me know in the comments – I love reading these as much as I love writing them!

1. What did you do in 2011 that youâ€d never done before?

Maintained a 4.0 GPA. Â Made a one-day out-of-state trip for a job interview, then turned down the subsequent job offer. Â Went to the Middle East.

2. Did you keep your new yearâ€s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Hereâ€s what I wrote for 2011:

I generally donâ€t make specific resolutions.Â And if you want to know the honest truth, itâ€s because Iâ€ll forget what I resolved to do.

True dat. Â Maybe I could use this entry as a reminder of what I hope to accomplish over the year. Â Resolutions always seem sort of lame to me, but I love a good to-do list so maybe if I look at it from that perspective it will work. Â So:

Finish grad school. Â This should be accomplished in early May.
Improve my job situation. Â Work has been…challenging for several months now and I’d like to improve that in one way or another. Â At this point I’m not picky.
Make more of an effort to record family memories. Â Either I need to blog more reliably or take up scrapbooking again. Â Or start creating professionally printed photo books. Â Now that I’m almost done with school I should have more free time. Theoretically.
Have more patience with the kids. Â Patience may be a virtue but unfortunately is not one of mine. Â I’m hoping things will be easier on this front now that we’ve turned the corner out of age three with Misty.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

No, but a good friend is pregnant so I’m looking forward to April. Â A new baby to cuddle that doesn’t keep me up at night! Â Woo!

4. Did anyone close to you die?

No, and thank goodness for that.

5. What countries did you visit?

Jamaica, Grand Cayman and Mexico. Â Qatar. Â And technically I was in UAE, but never left the airport so I wouldn’t call it a visit. Â Although the duty-free shopping in the Dubai airport is incredibly impressive and possibly a tourist destination all on its own.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?

Forward motion. Â As previously mentioned, I’m finishing up my master’s in the spring and would like to use it, you know? Â Although I’m not sure that things are going to pan out along the original plan, I’d like to feel as though I’m moving UP a career ladder rather than just chilling on the same damn rung year after year.

7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

It isn’t every day that a gal gets to fly halfway across the world (in business class, no less), so I’m not likely to forget that anytime soon.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

I think it bears repeating that I’ve managed to maintain straight As in my classwork while working full-time and parenting two kids. Â Of course, none of it would be possible without N – he is the most awesome husband and co-parent any woman could ask for. Â Achieving an entireÂ decade of marriage is pretty impressive too.

9. What was your biggest failure?

I continue to be the opposite of a domestic goddess, whatever that may be. Â The anti-housewife, I suppose. Â A big fat FAIL in the domesticity department, no matter how you look at it.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Nothing really. Â Sinus troubles here and there, although I’ve discovered the wonder of Mucinex and therefore managed to avoid a full-blown sinus infection for an entire year.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

LASIK. Â Hands down.

12. Where did most of your money go?

As usual, our mortgage payment and child care fees ate up a significant chunk of change.

13. What did you get really excited about?

Going from 20/400 to 20/15 vision is pretty damn exciting.

14. What song will always remind you of 2011?

Not exactly sure…I listen to such an eclectic mix of music that it’s hard to say. Â Probably something by Bruno Mars – like maybe The Lazy Song.

15. Compared to this time last year, are you:

â€“ happier or sadder?Â Sadder overall, but only because work has been so massively frustrating lately. Â I’d say my personal happiness is about the same as last year.
â€“ thinner or fatter?Â No real change.
â€“ richer or poorer? We’ve taken better control of our finances by going to a mostly cash-based budget, but still have some debt to get paid off. Â So taking all that into consideration, about the same I guess.

16. What do you wish youâ€d done more of?

Distance running – I’ve been copping out with 1-2 mile runs most of the time and would like to get back to a place where a 5K is nothing big. Â Writing here. Â Playing with the kids.

17. What do you wish youâ€d done less of?

Fretting over work and making my husband miserable with all of the constant bitching.

18. How did you spend Christmas?

In The Swamp, splitting days between our families for the last time – my parents are permanently moving to their retirement home in a few weeks.

19. What was your favorite TV program?

Still totally into Burn Notice, NCIS, Psych and Sons of Anarchy. Â I’ve added Hawaii 5-0 to the list this year.

20. What were your favorite books of the year?

Other than the usual slew of Nora Roberts between semesters, I didn’t really read much of anything.

21. What was your favorite music from this year?

I listened to a lot of Rob Zombie to get me through increasingly torturous workdays.

22. What were your favorite films of the year?

Fast Five. Â It may not be Oscar-worthy, but that’s the one that stands out as most enjoyable. Â It seems I didn’t do a lot of movie-watching in 2011.

23. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I’m honestly not sure. Â I checked my archives and evidently didn’t write about it. Â I’m sure we just celebrated at home. Â I turned 32.

24. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Access to a reliable, inexpensive babysitter. Â I generally don’t mind living a couple hours away from family but sometimes it is frustrating to not have ready access to grandparents-as-free-childcare.

25. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?

Second verse, same as the first. Â I wear what is comfortable for me, which includes black and gray 95% of the time.

26. What kept you sane?

Friends and family, especially my husband. Â I would have gone off the deep end long ago if I didn’t have him to help me keep it all together.

27. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.

Not all good memories have to involve spending vast quantities of money. Â Being a homeowner is totally overrated. Â White wine makes my teeth sensitive sometimes, but red wines do not. Â Anything worth having is worth working for.

The post 2011, in a nutshell (kind of) first appeared on NonSoccerMom.com.

My Christmas vacation, in numbers and iPhone pictures

NonSoccerMom — Fri, 31 Dec 2010 21:02:38 +0000

Number of separate family celebrations attended: 2

Number of nights I spent sleeping on a slowly-deflating air mattress in my parents’ study: 4

Number of times each night Miss T rolled off her pallet and into the closet doors: 1

Number of Dora the Explorer-themed gifts received by Miss T for either Christmas or birthday: 7

Number of pairs of plastic shoes included in Miss T’s new dress-up playsets: 7

Number of exact duplicate gifts received for either child: 0, shockingly

Number of Christmases that my two grandmothers have celebrated in their whole lives, combined: 184

Number of bottles of wine I received as gifts: 2

Number of family members planning a post-holiday proposal and hopefully engagement: 1

Number of times my mother bitched about her mysterious Christmas tree lighting malfunction: at least 30

Number of Wii games received as gifts by either AE or N: 4

Number of DVD sets of varying TV shows received by me: 4

Number of horrified comments regarding my aunt’s pickled shrimp dinner contribution: 6

Number of 2-mile walks taken through my parents’ neighborhood: 3

Number of current US congressmen/former presidential candidates encountered during one walk: 1

Number of new US senator-elects encountered at the very same time: 1

Number of Little People utilized as extra pawns for my family’s annual post-gift board game: 3

Number of Wii shooting games we gave my father-in-law:Â 2

Number of 3D movies attended at the IMAX theater in Houston:Â 1

Number of feature-length 3D movies I have now seen in my entire life:Â 1

Number of US dollars required to liberate our dog from the kennel upon returning home:Â 350

Number of times Miss T has been begged to just take the damn paci out of her mouth, already: 45786533208

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In celebration of November’s end

NonSoccerMom — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 03:20:47 +0000

We had a very nice holiday weekend, visiting family down in the lovely Swamp of Enchantment.Â It’s usually hectic when we go down there, since we have to try and cram in visits to all of the various and sundry old folks.Â But this time most of them were congregated in one place for lunch, so that cut down on a lot of the driving around we had to do.Â Hmm.Â That’s awfully boring, unnecessary exposition.Â Onward!Â To the bullets (some of which are literal)!

My sister and I lost our minds and decided to hit the local Target along with all of the other crazy-ass Black Friday shoppers.Â At 4:30 in the morning, there were approximately eleventy-hojillion people there, give or take a few.Â See?

N and I stole some time away from the kids and headed out to the beach.Â We took up residence for the evening at Hammerhead Bar, a surprisingly nice place for a crummy little beach.Â (Sorry.Â But it is.)Â Since it isn’t exactly a peak beach season, we practically had the place to ourselves and the bartender was very attentive.Â She brought a new drink to my attention.Â Whether it is an actual drink or just something she invented, I do not know, but what I do know is the combination of Absolut Vanilia, Red Bull and cranberry juice tastes just like a Sweet Tart.Â I approve.
My mother recruited some tree-decorating help from the littlest member of the family.Â Incidentally, that was the only member of the family actually WILLING to help.Â Sorry, Mom.Â I hate decorating my own damn tree soÂ I was low on motivation to help you with yours.Â Because I am a scrooge, and possibly also a bad person.

I went to the gun range with N and my father-in-law, who we’ll call Roz, because that’s what I call him.Â (It’s not actually his name.)Â Anyway, I learned how to fire a .22, and it turns out I’m not half bad.Â In fact, Roz says that I’m already good enough to qualify for a concealed handgun license if I were so inclined.Â Witness my mad skillz (this was achieved from 50 yards):

So, now you know what I did over Thanksgiving (aside from falling into the usual turkey and starch-related coma, of course.Â I did that too.)Â Did you do anything fun or out of the ordinary (or both)?

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Happy Thanksgiving!

NonSoccerMom — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 23:40:51 +0000

I’m typing this post from the WordPress app on my iPhone, sitting in my in-laws’ living room. That’s dedication, folks.

Well, fine. This is me, checking out how well the app works. But either way, I hope your Thanksgiving has been pleasantly full of turkey, family and football, or whatever makes you happy!!

The post Happy Thanksgiving! first appeared on NonSoccerMom.com.

Apologies to all you November babies

NonSoccerMom — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 02:38:50 +0000

Today I had the following e-mail exchange with my sister:

Sher: I want Thanksgiving:

Me: Thanksgiving does sound good, as much as I hate the month of November in general.

Sher: You hate the month of November? Whatever for? 1. Cool things always seem to happen in November. 2. It is the month before Christmas, the most wonderful time of the year. 3. It goes by fast because of the giant vacation to look forward to at the end of the month. Explain.

Me: It is stupid! And orange! And filled with pilgrims and Indians and cornucopias! Perhaps my childhood hatred of all things pilgrim is clouding my judgment a bit.

Sher: WHAT did Mom and Dad DO to you before I was born???? All of those things are awesome! How can you not look at a cornucopia and have the warm fuzzies?

Me: HAHAHAHA! I don’t know! I just HATED learning about pilgrims and the Mayflower and the first Thanksgiving SO VERY MUCH as a kid. And now, on November 1, I become surly for a 30-day period. Well, surlier than usual anyway. My husband thinks I am a freak.

Sher: OMG you are CHANDLER. Except Dad is not a Vegas Burlesque dancer.

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Parade of stupidity

NonSoccerMom — Tue, 26 May 2009 16:34:31 +0000

We went down to The Swamp for the long weekend.Â We always stay at my parents’ house even though my in-laws live there too (I am more comfortable at my parents’, and I’m a brat that way), and even though my mom and dad were not at home this weekend we stayed at their house anyway.Â It was kind of nice, having the house all to ourselves.Â Until, that is, the animals decided to stage an uprising.

My parents have two cats.Â Well, technically they are my sister’s cats but they live with Mom and Dad.Â While I have always considered myself a cat person, but I don’t like these cats.Â And the feeling is clearly quite mutual.

Offender #1:

Cute, right?Â But don’t be fooled.Â She is is evil and plotty and DERANGED (I’m sorry, Sher, but she IS) and would eat you if she could.Â Just like she tried with me on Saturday night, when I had the nerve to reach for an item on the bathroom counter that she happened to be sitting near.Â I made sure to take a picture of my bloodied finger and immediately e-mail it to my sister with no explanation beyond I refrained from kicking her little ass.Â You’re welcome.

Offender #2:

This one isn’t quite as bad.Â She’s old and was around when I still lived at home and so she knows me.Â However, she doesn’t really like me which proved to be a problem on Sunday night, when she crammed her big fat self underneath my parents’ huge-ass bed, right up by the wall where she knew I couldn’t reach her.Â So I tried the nice approach, calling her and making kissy sounds andÂ trying to sweet-talk her into coming out.Â No dice.Â Then I tried prodding her out.Â Nope, she just hissed at me and then moved to the other side where she was equally inaccessible.Â So then I brought out the big guns – my husband and a huge umbrella.Â Sorry, cat.

Offender #3:

GAH.Â We don’t normally take the dog when we travel, what with the kids and luggage and whatnot it is just too big of a hassle.Â But the kennelÂ was going to charge us for five full days if we boarded her over the holiday weekend, and I’m sorry but that is ridiculous.Â So we took her with us.Â It was all well and good (well, the irritatingÂ clack clack clacking of her nails on the Pergo floors notwithstanding) until Sunday afternoon.Â We left her locked in a bedroom (rather than crated) because she never does anything.Â She doesn’t chew, dig, scratch or, you know, even stay awake.Â We figured she was pretty trustworthy.Â WRONG.Â We returned from lunch at my in-laws’ house to discover that she had somehow managed to lock the bedroom door.Â Five minutes and several screwdrivers later, we figured out why:Â she had been clawing and chewing at the door frame.Â Of the spare bedroom, in my parents’ house, WHICH IS GOING ON THE MARKET THIS VERY WEEK.Â GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.Â I was about ready toÂ give her upÂ to the hugeÂ German Shepherd across the street, I was so angry.Â (And mortified.Â Fortunately, my parents were cool about it and touched up the paint and now you can’t even tell.Â But still.)

The bit players:

My in-laws’ yippy dog, who is clearly troublesome in her own right.Â (Although this picture was taken a while ago.)Â She kept trying to steal Miss T’s beloved Blue Doggie, but Miss T was not worried.Â NO NO! she would say, whileÂ shaking her little index finger.

Our obnoxious cat, who let us know she didn’t appreciateÂ being leftÂ at home aloneÂ for the long weekend.Â Meow meow MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOW.

And my in-laws’ cat, who – to be fair – didn’t do anything.Â (Literally.Â He’s the laziest cat there ever was.)Â But I felt I should include him anyway.

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