Movie reviews - NonSoccerMom.com

This blog has been dead for almost 2 years but who cares! Let’s talk about Sons of Anarchy!

NonSoccerMom — Fri, 05 Dec 2014 21:33:38 +0000

Hi! Obviously it has been *mumble mumble* months since I posted anything, but it’s never too late to revive this poor blog, right? Especially when I have very important things to talk about. Things like Sons of Anarchy. Forget about boring updates on why I haven’t posted lo these many (many) months, I HAVE TO TALK ABOUT SONS OF ANARCHY! I have a lot of thoughts and feeeeeelings!!

Spoilers for Red Rose ahoy – consider yourself warned. And if you’re not caught up you’ll be hella confused anyway because I’m just plunging right in. Here we go…

I think I’m struggling more with Unser’s death than anyone else. I mean, all these people are getting slaughtered and he just was the one person that still had some semblance of a moral code in all this. Well, relatively speaking I guess. Anyway, Jax just SHOT him and they made no further reference to him at all, as if he was never even there to begin with. Gemma had it coming (more on that in a minute) but Unser was a plot twist I didn’t see coming. But he obviously knew that Gemma was about to die and Jax made it pretty clear that he wasnt’ messing around and would kill Unser if he stayed. Unser’s motivation has always been his love for Gemma so I guess he figured there was no point to his life anymore with her death. Plus, he’s been dying of stage 4 cancer for 7 seasons anyway, so.

Then there’s Nero. The scene where he and Jax talk about Wendy and the boys going with him to the farm was great. It was very well done – Jax clearly making plans for his fatherless boys because he knows it is almost over for him. Nero has been a phenomenal father figure for poor Jax, who has only ever had Gemma as a consistent parental role model. Anyway, in the end Nero was trying to protect Jax, not Gemma, and now I’m worried about how he’s going to react because what he told Jax is absolutely right: there’s no coming back from killing one’s own mother. But he already knows, I’m sure he does. He’s not stupid, and he’s been in the life for too long to think it could end up any other way. Nero knew exactly what would happen while he was giving Jax that phenomenal speech in the end of Suits of Woe.

Let’s get back to Gemma’s death, while we’re on the subject. Gemma got off easy. Because cutting her off from her grandsons (and what’s left of the club she knew) would be a fate far worse than death. Jax let her off the hook, basically, and she knew it. And Gemma’s final little speech to Jax about did me in. It definitely did him – I can’t believe he was able to pull the trigger. But she manipulated him right up until the final second, giving him that whole bit about “This is who we are.” The entire scene was very well done, even though I felt like I was being beat about the head with Shakespearean symbolism.

Moving on!

I have several burning questions that better be answered in the finale:

1. What is going on with Jax physically?Â At the very beginning of the episode they definitely made a big deal of the fact that his leg gave out when he stood up from the cot. He also appeared to be limping on that leg on and off throughout the episode (although it is hard to tell with him sometimes on account of The Swagger). Has he been poisoned? Is his heart condition going to catch up with him before Mayhem can? Something else entirely? WHAT IS HAPPENING? This is a big one for me. It just has to be something. It has to be. Maybe it’s going to lead to him losing control and going out in a motorcycle crash, dying the same way his old man did. But that doesn’t make a lot of sense, because on a motorcycle you brake with your hands, not your feet (I think). Anyway, my #1 thought is that it has to do with his heart somehow. Wouldn’t it just be like the show to give us all this buildup, thinking Jax is going to go out in a blaze of outlaw glory but in the end, he just dies of a heart attack?

2. What is Nero up to? Again, a big deal was made of him going into the garage at Jax’s house “looking for tools” and generally being all squirrely and then nothing seemed to come of it. Is he plotting to protect Jax somehow? Is he going to avenge what Gemma’s inevitable death? What is he DOING? Or is it a red herring?

3. What did Chucky do? Tig got off the phone when they were meeting with the Irish and said “That was T-M. Chucky did it”. But we never saw anything come of thatÂ either unless I totally missed something. Plus Chucky’s been getting a bit more screen time in the last few episodes so surely that’s another plot point to be wrapped up.

4. What is the deal with the homeless lady? SheÂ showed up at the vending machine before the scene with Milo the trucker (nice cameo by Michael Chiklis, btw) and Gemma. It’s the same lady that we see throughout the series…and now we know she is/was Rat’s girlfriend’s mom. I’d like a little explanation here. Is she a ghost? Just a sad-sack lady who left her former life behind for some reason? Why does she always show up before some major death?

5. What is the “unwritten bylaw” Jax refers to in the scene with the other SOA presidents?Â They specifically cut out to the boys waiting in Red Woody during that part so I know we’ll get back to it next week but I really have no idea what that could be. Jax clearly is planning for his own death at this point (or is that just what Sutter wants us to believe?) so I am assuming he knows the vote will be for Mayhem. Although I am a little unclear on who exactly gets to make this vote (see: much mumbling, talking in some sort of biker lingo), I do think it is SAMCRO. Jax did say he’d make sure they vote the right way.

Surely all of this will get resolved or I am going to be very disappointed. I expect it will be – Sutter doesn’t appear to do ANYTHING randomly or half-assed. Come on, writers. Don’t let me down.

I still can’t believe that Gemma is dead. Just like that. Omg. And also, possibly I am too emotionally invested in this show. Also also, poor Juice. I’m glad he at least got to finish his pie but you know prison pie can’t possibly be that good. What a way to go. Sigh.

The end.

The post This blog has been dead for almost 2 years but who cares! Let’s talk about Sons of Anarchy! first appeared on NonSoccerMom.com.

Movie reviews! (Yes, we’re back to this again.)

NonSoccerMom — Fri, 01 Mar 2013 05:24:33 +0000

Man, it has been quite a while since I reviewed any movies on this here blog (or even wrote anything, SHUT IT). But! I have actually seen movies lately – gasp – in the theater even, so review I shall.

First up: The Last Stand. N and I were both very pleasantly surprised by this. Yeah, Arnold is getting old but he owns it. He’s not trying to still be the unbreakable action star, which is a smart move, since doing so can clearly result in accidentally becoming a sad, old, overly muscled caricature of one’s former self. (Arnie is aging gracefully unlike other stars of a similar age, AHEM Mr. Stallone, I AM LOOKING AT YOU.) At any rate, The Last Stand had plenty of action but also surprisingly witty dialogue. And although Johnny Knoxville received second billing in the ads, he was really only in it for maybe 15-20 minutes. Definitely an attempt to get a whole different demographic of moviegoers into the theater, because I’m sure your typical Johnny Knoxville fans aren’t generally busting down the door of a movie starring Old Man Schwarzenegger. They may have been disappointed at the lack of jackass, but I wasn’t – Knoxville is generally pretty obnoxious (duh) and I was glad his part was limited although he admittedly wasn’t bad. Overall, a really enjoyable movie. The villain was convincing, I always enjoy Forest Whitaker (who was totally upstaged by Knoxville in the ads, because I didn’t realize he was even *in* this until the movie started), and the whole thing was really well paced. It didn’t drag, the plot was actually decent, and the supporting cast was entertaining. Two thumbs up – one from me and my movie reviewer by proxy. N approved, so you know it is good.

A Good Day to Die Hard. Oh, I do love me some Bruce Willis. He may be old enough to be my father, but I have a special place in my heart for Bruce. We share a birthday after all, and anyone else who was born on March 19 is okay in my book. And the Die Hard series is, without a doubt, the set of action movies I love most. We all know I’m not a fan of sequels in general, but Die Hard has yet to disappoint and this was no exception. I would unfortunately have to place it second-to-last in the hierarchy, though (outranking only Die Hard 2, which is the weakest by a wide margin) (in case you’re keeping track, the order of my favorites is now Die Hard, Live Free or Die Hard, Die Hard with a Vengeance, A Good Day to Die Hard, and Die Hard 2) (I take my Die Hards very seriously) (also my parentheses) (okay, I’ll stop now). I think the main problem with this was the thin, thin plot. The action was plentiful, which is really all *I* need to enjoy a movie, but even I have to admit that the writers didn’t try too hard here. I imagine them sitting in a room saying “Well, we’ve done L.A., New York and D.C. so let’s put him in Russia this time. And just have a lot of stuff blowing up. That should be good enough.” And for me, it almost was. I was a little distracted by some of the beginning scenes – I retained just enough Russian from college to know that some of the translations are a bit questionable but eh. Overall, it was a really fun watch. Bruce Willis is thankfully more of a Schwarzenegger and less of a Stallone. He knows he’s aging and plays John McClane accordingly. I have no doubt that this movie was a total setup for a whole new slew of movies starring Jai Courtney as Jack McClane – Die Hard, The Next Generation or something. We’ll see how that goes, I guess. Oh, who am I kidding. I’ll be there opening weekend, I’m sure. N was less entertained but I think he liked it well enough. In sum, definite thumbs up!

**Totally unrelated addendum/request – I know I don’t post often enough to really warrant having regular readers, but I also know that I *do* have a few people who always read what I write. So if you’re here, can you do me a favor and comment? I love comments, and I love having them HERE, on the blog. Some people comment just on Facebook which is of course great too, but it is hard to associate them back to the post later on. My blog isn’t totally compatible with Facebook sometimes (probably because I never run updates or install plugins or anything but that’s a different story). So anyway. If you’re here, just say hi! I like to know who is out there!

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A post-Thanksgiving cornucopia of movie reviews

NonSoccerMom — Sun, 27 Nov 2011 18:17:18 +0000

Thanks to a recent international flight and a holiday, I’ve seen quite a few movies in the past few weeks. Â I don’t think I’ve reviewed much of anything lately (wine or movies), so how about we jump right in?

Captain America – Not really what I was expecting, but I’m not sure it’s fair to say that since I really didn’t have any expectations at all. Â Full disclosure: I didn’t know that Captain America is one of the Avengers, okay? Â Although admittedly, the full title of the movie (Captain America: The First Avenger) should probably have clued me in. Â ANYWAY, all that to say that I was confused by the end until I realized that it’s a total setup for next summer. Â The movie itself was entertaining, provided you are able to suspend your knowledge of reality in the same way that is required of all comic book-based films. Â I’d probably be willing to watch it again, although I’m not in a rush to buy the DVD or anything. Â Three stars out of five on my totally arbitrary rating scale.

Transformers: Dark of the Moon – I didn’t finish it. Â That’s how bad it is, and y’all know I love me some crap movies. Â I started it on the flight to Dubai, but turned it off ten minutes in because Shia LeBeouf is such an insufferable douche. Â Then on the way back to Houston I tried again. Â That time I made it about halfway before I decided there was no point in suffering further. Â I hated every single thing about it. Â None of the characters are likable (at least not in the first half), the plot is stupid, the little robot/Transformer things are beyond annoying, and the entire movie just totally blew. Â Zero stars. Â Don’t even bother, but if you need to torture someone you intensely dislike then this could be a useful tool.

X-Men: First Class – By far the best movie that I watched on either leg of my trip. Â I was really, really impressed. Â It has an entirely different feel than any of the original X-Men movies, and takes itself far more seriously. Â But it works. Â I haven’t been blown away by any previous James McAvoy roles, but he was a great choice for Professor Xavier. Â All of the characters were well-casted, although there is always something amusing about Kevin Bacon as the bad guy. Â Either way, the entire movie was engaging and highly entertaining. Â I enjoyed it immensely and can give you my enthusiastic recommendation (for what it is worth, which is admittedly not much). Â Four-and-a-half stars out of five, easily.

Battle Los Angeles – I kind of watched this one out of desperation. Â In addition to the above, I’d already re-watched Green Lantern and Fast Five, and was running out of in-flight action movie options. Â It was okay. Â Plenty of action, things blowing up, etc., but the plot was…thin. Â Very thin. Â Like they didn’t even try, really. Â Just “all right, we’ve got some aliens, let’s toss ’em in L.A. and add some angst-ridden Marines and we’ve got ourselves a movie, folks!” Â Certainly not Oscar-worthy but it wasn’t terrible either, not by a long shot. Â I’d watch it again if I didn’t have any other options. Â A solid 2.5 stars.

The Expendables – N and I had both wanted to see this for a while and were excited to discover it in Netflix Instant last week. Â Unfortunately, the excitement did not last. Â We were disappointed. Â I think that sometimes writers just punt, plot-wise, on ensemble movies like this one. Â Like we’ll be so distracted by the presence of all these big-name actors that we won’t notice the crappy writing. Personally, I was distracted by Sylvester Stallone’s face. Â He’s had work done or something and it just…isn’t right. Â Beyond that, it was unnecessarily bloody and not all that great. Â Not even Jason Statham could save it and as we’re all very aware, I do love me some Jason Statham. Â Sad. Â About the best I can give is 3 stars, which is of course enough for me to want to see the upcoming sequel.

Johnny Mnemonic – This movie randomly came up in conversation with N about a month ago, and ever since then I’ve been desperate to see it again. I first saw it fifteen or so years ago when it first came out on video (my love of crappy action flicks is nothing new), and haven’t seen it since. Â About the only thing I remembered was that the videocassette (yes) was bright orange, so it was definitely time for a re-watch. Â And it didn’t disappoint. Â An easy-to-follow plot, unrealistic fight scenes, military-trained mind-reading dolphin, post-apocalyptic setting suspiciously reminiscent of Blade Runner…what’s not to like? Â I was also fascinated by Dina Meyer. Â She has not aged AT ALL in the past fifteen years. Â She looked exactly the same in this movie as in recent guest appearances on NCIS. Â Amazing. Â I want to know what moisturizer she uses, is what I’m saying. Â Overall, Johnny Mnemonic is a totally ridiculous, unbelievable, fun ride. Â Three stars out of five.

Burn After Reading – Not my typical kind of movie at all, but I thought it looked interesting and N wanted to see it so last night we decided to give it a go. Â The verdict? Quirky, off-beat, but definitely funny. Â There were a few parts that totally threw me for a loop and the plot required a LOT of setup (about an hour in we were still waiting on all the pieces to be set into motion), but both N and I thought it was good. Â Definitely clever and not your standard cookie-cutter Hollywood comedy. Â If you like your comedies dark and with an actual plot, then this is the movie for you. Â I got it for $1.99 at Target on Black Friday and I’m glad, because I’ll certainly be willing to see it again. Â I have a feeling I missed some of the wit the first time around, as it moves pretty quickly. Â Four stars out of five for sure, and maybe more once I’ve seen it again.

Have you seen any of these? Â If so, what did you think? Â I’d be particularly interested in reactions to X-Men: First Class, as N hasn’t seen it and he’s usually the one to determine Actual Quality Movies. Since my tolerance for crap is much higher than most people’s, it throws off my ability to tell. Â Just because I thought it was actually a good, non-crappy action movie doesn’t mean it was. Â Any thoughts?

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Movie review – Rubber

NonSoccerMom — Mon, 24 Oct 2011 01:23:58 +0000

I can sum up this little gem in two words:Â WEIRD-ASS CRAP. Is that technically three words?Â I guess.Â Well, whatever.Â You’ll see what I mean in a second here.

Rubber is the story of a homicidal tire with telekinetic abilities.Â Yes, you read that right.

A tire.

That can use its mind to kill.

I really don’t think I need to go into a lot more detail, because the plot pretty much speaks for itself.Â But I will give you a bit more because I’m nice like that.Â Here be spoilers, but trust me when I say that should you decide to watch this movie it will be equally good whether you already know the ending or not.

So apparently this tire has been abandoned in the California desert, and some people are duped into going to watch a “movie” in said desert with binoculars and sleeping bags.Â As they watch, the tire (named Robert for reasons that remain undisclosed by the plot) comes to life and wobbles around for awhile.Â Then once it is good at rolling along without three other tires and a vehicle attached, it flattens a plastic bottle and seems to develop a taste for destruction.

As it toodles along looking for small mammals to kill, it sees (don’t ask me how, since tires do not actually HAVE EYEBALLS and apparently telekinetic movie versions are no exception) a beautiful woman stranded in a broken-down car and falls in love with her.Â Anyway, the rest of the movie has to do with Robert’s obsession with this mysterious woman.Â He follows her to a nearby motel, leaving a trail of headless bodies in his wake.Â (The tire’s telekinetic ability works by exploding the victim’s head, don’t you know.)

Meanwhile, almost all of the hapless movie-goers have died as a result of poisoned food provided by the mysterious accountant. Â Only one remains alive, a war veteran confined to a wheelchair. Â He is bizarrely interested in the unfolding events, for reasons that are never really explained. Â There’s also something about a man pretending to be a sheriff, along with his deputies, who obviously believe they are real members of law enforcement Â but are really just as fake as the sheriff.

By the end of the movie, the object of Robert’s obsession is enlisted by the fake sheriff to assist in his destruction, by way of a contrived scenario involving a poorly-attired mannequin. Â But the tire’s evil could not so easily be destroyed, so it simply moves into a tricycle. Â (Because, of course.) As the movie closes, Robert the tricycle leads a pack of other small wheeled vehicles into Hollywood.

And that’s it. Â I realize that this synopsis makes little to no sense but that’s a direct result of the movie, not my summary skills.

I’d like to think that I missed something, that maybe there was a plot and I just didn’t get it. Â But I think in order to “get” this movie you’d have to be high. Â (And upon re-reading this, my attempt at a synopsis does makes it appear as though *I* am high.) Â But it was just nonsense. Â A jacked-up incoherent mess. Â The special effects were pathetic and clearly low-budget, but I think that may have been the point. Â It clearly wasn’t meant to be an Oscar contender, but I just don’t know what it was intended to be.

However, it wasn’t a complete waste of time. Â My sister and her fiance watched it with us, and Sher got up to use the bathroom right as the credits rolled. Â N took the opportunity to get our daughter’s tricycle from the back porch. Â It’s a standard red-and-white Radio Flyer and very similar to Robert’s final embodiment.

Anyway, N set it outside the bathroom without a word…and when Sher opened the door, every second of those 82 minutes became totally worth it.

The post Movie review – Rubber first appeared on NonSoccerMom.com.

Arlene*

NonSoccerMom — Tue, 02 Aug 2011 01:44:47 +0000

First order of business – N told me he’d divorce me if I refer to him as Nic on this blog.Â Or at the very least, take my site down completely!Â I was correct in my assumption that he wouldn’t go for Nic, heh.Â Betty had a good idea, but I call my father-in-law Roz (in real life) so I can’t make that work in my own head.Â So!Â For the sake of simplicity and the agreement of all involved, from now on N will be referred to on this site as:

I know!Â All that to end up right back where we started, but I think it is for the best.**Â Lex and Misty are here to stay, though.Â They don’t get veto power because they don’t have access to my blog.

Segue!!

I got the monthly analytics report just now, and while I had opened this window with the intention of writing a couple of movie reviews I thought this might be more fun.Â Or a easy post for the lazy.Â However you prefer to look at it.Â So anyway, what were some of the Google searches that brought people to my little corner of the web during July?Â I thought you’d never ask.

“best soccer scenes in non-soccer movies” – This, gentle readers, is a very specific thing to be searching for with Teh Google, is it not?Â And frankly, it’s something I’ve never given much thought…hmm.Â The only movies involving soccer that I can come up (without cheating) areÂ Bend it Like Beckham (definitely a soccer (football) movie, and a good one at that), Kicking & Screaming (which is funnier than I thought it would be but again, entirely revolves around soccer)…and, um….Ladybugs (which I am ashamed – for so many reasons – to admit that I have seen more than once).Â Beyond that, I can’t even think of any soccer movies (although for a minute I was all oh! Invictus! but no, that’s about rugby), much less any non-soccer movies that have a good soccer scene.Â I realize why the word “soccer” brings so many people to this site and I was really hoping that maybe I had something movie-related to offer this person, but no.

“drop it as though its hot” – Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t it actually ‘drop it LIKE it’s hot’?Â Although I suppose if you are truly concerned with proper syntax, ‘drop it as though it is hot’ would be closer to accurate use of the English language.Â Either way, ‘its’ is possessive, ‘it’s’ means IT IS.Â Come on, people.Â IT’S not that hard.

“how was your day” – Okay, who googles this?Â No, I’m really asking.Â Who?

“what did my rock candy not crystallize yet?” – I’m so sorry, Mystery Googler.Â I hope you were able to eventually find the answer to your oddly-worded question, because lo, you did not find it here.

and finally, the strangest one of the lot (this month, anyway):

“bizarro y zoo” – I don’t even know.Â Maybe my Spanish skills are rustier than I thought, but doesn’t this mean that someone was searching for bizarre AND zoo?Â Â Hmm.Â I’m actually a little afraid to think too hard about what kind of unique zoo this person may be seeking.

*I really, REALLY suck at coming up with titles, and also I hate it, so from now on if I can’t easily come up with something I’ll default to the same system as used to name tropical storms.

** Hey!Â I could have used this system to figure out a name for N!Â If I jump to the 2011 N name on that list it just so happens to be a guy’s name.Â Huh.Â Maybe I’ll do that after all.

The post Arlene* first appeared on NonSoccerMom.com.

Some decisions, and a movie review just for kicks

NonSoccerMom — Thu, 21 Jul 2011 02:20:54 +0000

I’ve grown weary of the nicknames I use for my family on this blog.Â Â I was feeling woefully uncreative when I first started writing here and couldn’t be bothered to come up with anything fun for N and AE. Then Miss T came along and I copped out with her, too.Â I don’t use real names for reasons of googleability (it is totally a word!) but I’m no longer terribly concerned with total anonymity.Â Anyone with the proper motivation and a few minutes could figure out who I am through N’s blog.Â And probably no one actually cares, but I still don’t want real names floating around out there.Â But I also don’t want boring initials anymore!Â I need something more interesting, just to amuse me if nothing else.

So.Â From now on, I’ll refer to AE as Lex.Â It’s a shortened version of his real name, but not what we actually call him.Â I could go with Xander, I suppose, but he’d appreciate the comic book/video game/movie connection of Lex.Â So Lex it shall be.

And Miss T shall now be Misty.Â (See what I did there?Â Am so clever, yes?)Â Essentially that’s how I see it in my mind when I’m writing about her anyway, so there you go.Â It isn’t anything close to her real name unless you count the fact that it also has five letters and contains T and S.Â Heh.

And what about N, you ask?Â That’s a very good question.Â Many of the four readers that I have know his real name already.Â It is out there on the internet anyway due to the nature of his job.Â I could call him by his real name, but will not.Â I shall call him Nic, for no other reason than it annoys the living hell out of him.

There you have it.Â To sum up, Lex = AE, Misty = Miss T, and Nic = N.

Yesterday I went for my Free! Lasik! Consult! as touted by a Houston-based doctor that comes to my city once a week.Â I’ve been thinking about lasik (LASIK? Lasik? oh who cares) for a while, and if I’m serious about getting into any sort of law enforcement – federal or otherwise – it’s pretty much a must.Â My vision uncorrected is something god-awful like 20/400.Â I can’t even see the big E without my glasses or contacts, and most law enforcement agencies won’t consider anyone with uncorrected vision worse than 20/100 for a field position.

Anyway, yesterday I went for an evaluation and within 45 minutes I was signed up for the procedure.Â August 18, yo.Â Supposedly after resting my eyes that afternoon, I’ll be able to drive myself to the follow-up appointment the next morning, totally corrective-aid free.Â I find this hard to believe, but it sounds awesome.Â And only possible through magic.Â Certainly it will not involve lasers aimed at my eyeballs, because that is horrific and scary and shudder-inducing.

Denial.Â It ain’t just a river in Egypt, people.

Nic (man, even I hate the way that looks but I will persist) and I found ourselves sans kids last week (they were both out of town visiting grandparents) and we hardly knew what to do with ourselves in the evenings.Â We muddled through, going out to dinner several times and even squeezing in a movie – Horrible Bosses.

I highly recommend this movie, you guys.Â If you’ve ever had a boss that you’ve hated even a little (and if you say you haven’t, I say you’re lying), this is the movie for you.Â Office Space is another movie I recommend for disgruntled employees, but it’s more applicable for corporate drones stuck in a cubicle farm.Â Horrible Bosses appeals to a much wider audience.Â Almost everyone has a boss, and very few people adore theirs.

Jason Bateman is awesome as always and perfect in his role as the voice of reason.Â It reminded me of his character in Arrested Development (another must-see) – the long-suffering normal person who inevitably finds himself in the midst of crazy people.Â And I really don’t care for It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia (no link, just because) but Charlie Day was really funny and charming in a pathetic sort of way.Â I didn’t think Jason Sudeikis was quite as good as the other two (probably because I’m never fond of the overgrown frat boy character), but every movie has to have a weak link and he did have some good lines.

The three bosses were cast perfectly as well.Â Kevin Spacey was doing his standard thing, Jennifer Aniston was really vamping it up (her eye makeup was over-the-top and so not HER but it worked), and Colin Farrell does obnoxious and disgusting oh so very well.

The language is foul but the one-liners are great.Â The theater was full and everyone laughed out loud throughout the entire movie.Â There were none of the plot holes that I tend to expect in comedies – usually the writers are so focused on the jokes they tend to lose sight of the story, but not here.Â And added bonus for me, the Old Lady Moviegoer that I am: only one scene made me cringe a little with crude “toilet humor”.Â If (WHEN) you see it, you will know exactly what I mean and it really isn’t terrible at all, especially as compared to other “comedies” these days.Â (OMG, Grandma?Â Is that you?)

Horrible Bosses really isn’t anything you need to see on the big screen, of course.Â Nic and I usually reserve that for blockbuster-type action movies that have impressive special effects, but since we had the opportunity (and I’d already seen Green Lantern which I’ll review some other time) we went for it.Â Totally, totally worth the expense of the tickets and giant vat of Coke that Nic requires for any movie viewing – and I’ll definitely buy the DVD (or Blu-ray, I guess) whenever it comes out.Â Two enthusiastic thumbs up:Â one for me, and one for my movie reviewer by proxy.

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Movie review – Fast Five

NonSoccerMom — Mon, 09 May 2011 02:25:40 +0000

What better way to ease back into blogging than with a movie review, right?Â Right.Â I’d apologize for being absent but I don’t really care (and I suspect neither do you).Â I was busy with class and am relieved to say that the semester is OVAH.Â I won’t have final grades for another week or so but at this point, I’m just glad to be done.Â I shake my fist at you, Statistical Tools for Criminal Justice.Â And thank the tiny baby Jesus in his tiny little manger that I definitely passed with flying colors and won’t ever have to take a graduate-level statistics course again, FTLOG.

Anyway, I had a lovely Mother’s Day.Â During which I went to see a movie by myself, for the first time in a very long time.Â And of course I chose to see Fast Five.Â Because why the hell not, you know?Â My favorite kind of movie – fast-paced action with little thinking required -Â which is of course N’s very least favorite.Â And quite frankly I prefer to watch them without him and all of his various disparaging remarks, although I have to wonder if he knew he was missing out on the opportunity to obnoxiously say “Damn! That’s ludicrous!” every time Ludacris appeared onscreen, as he is wont to do.

So, I really liked it!Â I know, we are all shocked.Â But I did!Â More than any of the others in the series, even (especially Tokyo Drift, which I don’t even count as part of the series since it is truly appalling in its horribleness). First of all, Rio is a great movie backdrop, and now I want to go there even more than I already did.Â And I have yet to see a Vin Diesel movie that I didn’t enjoy (yes, even The Pacifier, shut up), even though my husband and all of my friends say this is indicative of some sort of Problem.Â (Maybe there is a support group? Hi, my name is Nonsoccermom and I unapologetically love Vin Diesel movies.)

And I also love movies with Dwayne Johnson.Â I didn’t even realize he was in this one, so bonus!Â There was a particularly awesome fight scene between him and Vin Diesel that made the entire movie worthwhile for me.Â Possibly this also indicates some sort of bizarre disorder, but what can I say?Â I love a kick-ass fight scene.

Car chase/street racing scenes are a favorite too, and of course those were abundant.Â The climax of the movie (which I will not spoil for you) contains one of the best I have seen in quite a while.Â N would have scoffed at the questionable realism, but fortunately was not there so I was free to enjoy without judgment.Â I am clearly able to suspend my (limited) knowledge of physics when required for movie-watching so lack of plausibility doesn’t bother me in the slightest.

Jordana Brewster is gorgeous and exotic, and Paul Walker is pretty too but maybe it would be best if he just left the “acting” to his co-stars.Â You know it’s bad when Vin Diesel is putting in a superior performance, is what I’m saying.

The only thing that even kind of bothered me about the entire movie was that you could tell the violence and language had been scaled back to get a PG-13 rating.Â Not that I’m saying I enjoy a lot of blood, guts and sailor-worthy language in my action flicks but- actually, maybe that is exactly what I’m saying.Â Hmm.

Either way, overall, Fast Five was a really fun ride and something I look forward to seeing again.Â Possibly even purchasing on Blu-ray.

SUPER EXTRA-BONUS REVIEW-LET OF DATE NIGHT, WHICH N AND I GOT FROM NETFLIX A FEW WEEKS AGO:

Hi-freaking-larious.Â And Mark Wahlberg without a shirt, so major win.Â See it now, if you haven’t already.Â NOW.

Why are you still here?

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13 Days, 12 Rounds

NonSoccerMom — Sat, 13 Nov 2010 15:51:20 +0000

It randomly occurred to me this morning that I never posted about Halloween.Â Probably because there wasn’t much to report, really – N was still in Florida awaiting the shuttle launch, so my mom came into town to help me wrangle the kids.Â My sister also happened to be here, and she came in handy in terms of picture-taking and bunny tail-making.

Miss T decided at the last minute that she didn’t want to be a dragon (fortunately she’d already changed her mind several times throughout the month so I was just planning to reuse one of AE’s old costumes), and wanted instead to be a pink bunny rabbit instead.Â O…kay.Â But we had bunny ears and she has plenty of pink clothes, so Sher fashioned a tail out of cotton balls and I drew whiskers on her face.Â Voila!Â Bunny rabbit.

AE was geeked out about his clone trooper costume (I’m not a storm trooper, MOM) until he realized he couldn’t see a damn thing with the helmet on, poor kid.

We did our usual, headed over to the Halloween carnival that our HOA hosts every year.Â It’s pretty lame, a bunch of silly carnival games and an ever-increasing mob of people, but the kids always seem to enjoy it.Â Every year I worry that AE is getting too old, but as usual he surprised me by having a great time.

Mom and I walked them home afterward, and they trick-or-treated at several houses along the way.Â Miss T got the hang of it pretty quickly and was clearly enjoying herself immensely.Â I’m sad that N wasn’t here to see her have so much fun, but there’s always next year.

Wow, that was the most boring Halloween post ever.Â Sorry about that.Â No wonder I didn’t write about it before.Â Here, have another picture to close things out and pretend you didn’t read it.

*****

N was apparently feeling indulgent last night (probably because he knew I’d had a shitty day week at work), so he agreed to watch 12 Rounds with me.Â When it arrived from Netflix I was all, What movie is this andÂ how did it end up in my queue? And then I remembered.Â John Cena.

Every time I see a promo for Monday Night Raw – which happens a lot, since I almost exclusively watch USA Network – I can’t help but think how cute he is.Â Way too huge and muscle-y for my usual taste, but still cute.Â Kind of like a roided-up Mark Wahlberg, and it is no secret that I love me some Marky Mark.

I am so sure that my husband loves it when I write posts like this.Â Ahem.Â Anyway, we watched it and I felt bad for him, because there was nary a hot chick in this movie.Â The female lead was…unfortunate-looking.

Though I know N would not agree, I didn’t think it was bad at all.Â Not an original plot line (bad guy kidnaps good guy’s girl in the name of revenge) but plenty of action and adventure and things blowing up.Â John Cena is a surprisingly decent actor, especially given that his career consists almost exclusively of pro wrestling.

(Side note:Â While I was linking to the IMDb page just now I noticed that Cena was in another action movie before this one – The Marine.Â Hmm, his girl gets kidnapped in that one too.Â Nevertheless, into the queue it goes.)

In summary:Â Entertaining – if occasionally cheesy and predictable – action sequences, surprisingly decent acting and an attractive leading man.Â If you can get past the thin plot and lack of eye candy for a male audience (which I can, sorry N), 12 Rounds is worth the watch.

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Movie reviews x4

NonSoccerMom — Sun, 08 Aug 2010 15:41:32 +0000

In no particular order (or genre, really), here are spoiler-free reviews of what I’ve been watching this summer:

ZombielandÂ – I really didn’t think I’d like it at all.Â I’m not a Woody Harrelson fan.Â In fact, I’m anti-Harrelson.Â So much so that my Netflixed copy of the movie sat there for two months (TOTALLY making the $15/month subscription worthwhile)Â before N and I finally decided to give it a go.

And guess what?Â WE LOVED IT.Â BOTH of us.Â Huzzah!

ItÂ opens with one of my favorite Metallica songs…I chose to focus on that rather than the significant blood and gore.Â I’ve got a strong stomach – and a long-standing fondness for horror movies – but holy jeebus, you know?Â I wasn’t sure I was going to make it past the first ten minutes, but it was a little less gory after that.

Anyway, as it turns out, there’s a lot to enjoy.Â Harrelson’s character isn’t a total jerk – well, maybe he is a little.Â But I liked him anyway.Â It was funny, and smart, and moved along at a great clip.Â And as an added bonus there’s a “reveal” at the end which I personally thought was cool (though I am one of a very specific population subset that would have cared).

In general, anything that both N and I actively enjoy automatically gets an A+.Â If you can handle the gore (most of which has a comic book-esque feel), Zombieland is an absolute must-see.

WarÂ – Ugh, was watching this one ever a debacle.Â It was next up in my queue after Zombieland, and didn’t have to wait nearly as long to be popped in the DVD player.Â After all, it’s got everything:Â fast action, flashy cars, hard-core martial arts and Jason Statham.Â And with no chance that N would care anything about it, I could fire it up at willÂ without waiting on him to “be in the right mood” to watch with me.Â What could go wrong?Â (Hint: as your high school English teacher would point out, this is called foreshadowing.)

Everything was fine for the first 10 minutes or so, then the disc started causing me problems – it was dirty and scratched up, and it began to take serious coaxing toÂ convince our persnickety DVD player to keep at it.Â (Fastforward.Â Pause.Â Restart chapter.Â Fastforward.Â COME ON, PLEASE.)Â Eighteen minutes into the movie I had to throw in the towel.Â The disc was just too badly damaged and I had to request a replacement copy.Â The new copy arrived while I wasÂ out of town for a week and a half, again making excellent use of our Netflix membership.Â FINALLY I had time to try again.Â Replacement disc goes in and the DVD player justÂ flashes “DISC IS TOO DIRTY”.Â WTF.Â We’ve owned that DVD player for nine years (!) and it has NEVER said that before.* So I take it out, scrub it down with my shirttail, curse mightily at my fellow Netflix members, who are apparently too irresponsible/lazy/stupid to take care of DVDs that don’t belong to them (N says: This surprises you why?), and put it back in.Â TWENTY MINUTES LATER, the stars align, I get things going and manage to pick up where I’d left off two weeks before.

The rest of the movie played without incident, and then it was over.Â Just like that.Â SO abruptly, in fact, that I actually screeched at the TV “THAT’S IT?!Â I WENT THROUGH ALL THAT FOR THAT CRAP ENDING?!”Â N found the whole scenario wholly amusing, I cursed at Netflix some more for good measure and sulked the rest of the night.Â The end.

In short:Â I WANT THOSE HOURS OF MY LIFE BACK.

Salt -After running in the San Francisco Marathon (I did the half, N did the full, more on that later if I ever get around to it), we were far too exhausted to contemplate doing anything other than sitting.Â A nice movie in a comfy theater seemed like a good idea.Â The original plan was to see Inception but it wasÂ sold out.Â Salt was Plan B.

Not bad at all.Â It certainly didn’t do anything to change my opinion of Angelina Jolie as a badass.Â She’s gorgeous and sexy and awesome.Â Liev Schreiber is a great actor and perfectly suited for his role.Â Â The plot and script were just so-so, Â but the whole movie was adrenaline-charged enough to keep me interested the entire time.Â The actor they had playing Salt’s husband was pretty creepy and gross, but thankfully his scenes were limited.Â Overall, it was well-casted and decently-acted.Â

Final verdict:Â An enjoyable watch and something I could probably sit through again, though I have no desire to buy it when it comes out on DVD.

The Other Guys – Normally I’m not in a rush to see comedies in the theater.Â When you have 2 kids, going to the movies becomes rediculously expensive by the time you pay the babysitter so we usually reserve that honor for something that will be noticably different on the big screen.Â (Case in point: Prior to seeing Salt when we were in SF sans kids, the last movie we went to go see was Star Trek.Â Yes.)

But Mark Wahlberg is adorable and Will Farrell is hilarious, so when the opportunity presented itself (read: when in The Swamp and grandparents were available for kid duty) I dragged him to the local theater (where we know the manager and can get in for free.Â Bonus!).

When watching a comedy, there’s always the risk that all the funny parts were used in the TV promos and trailers and the actual movie won’t be all that great.Â And since I have a grandma-like sense of humor, there’s alway the additional chance that there will be so much crude toilet humor that I won’t be able to get past it.Â But The Other Guys did not disappoint.Â The whole thing was just as laugh-out-loud hilarious as the trailers.Â Will Farrell was just doing his usual shtick, of course – he’s kind of a one-trick pony in my opinion but that doesn’t stop it from being hysterical.Â Mark Wahlberg and Michael Keaton were great complements to Farrell and really stole the show.Â

The casting just worked – Farrell was perfect for the role of doofy police accountant, and Wahlberg was a great choice as his reluctant partner.Â They bantered well, and the jokes were easy and none of the humor seemed too forced.Â You can tell a lot of Farrell’s lines were improv, but that’s what he does best.

Very, very funny.Â I highly recommend.Â Even N (who I have noticed seems to actually be the person reviewing every movie that I see, if by proxy) laughed out loud quite frequently, and since he is the world’s most stoic movie-watcher I think that’s high praise.Â Go.Â Now.Â I promise,you won’t be sorry.

*The very next movie in my Netflix queue was Without a Paddle,which I cannot currently review for you as I have not yet seen it, because I am waiting on my replacement copy, BECAUSE THE DVD I RECEIVED WAS SO BADLY DAMAGED THAT MY DVD PLAYER DID NOT EVEN RECOGNIZE IT.Â NO DISC, IT SAID.Â PLEASE INSERT A DISC.Â NETFLIX, YOU ARE ON NOTICE.

The post Movie reviews x4 first appeared on NonSoccerMom.com.

Movie review – G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

NonSoccerMom — Mon, 10 May 2010 04:25:50 +0000

I managed to talk N into watching G.I. Joe with me, even though after the debacle that was Crank 2 he was sort of a tough sell.Â (It’s okay, I told him, just pretend it’s Basilisk: The Serpent King – a made-for-TV cinematic gem we watched recently.Â He seemed fine with that.Â Like I’ve said before, it’s a fine line with him between really bad and totally unwatchable.)

We were both pleasantly surprised.Â I had zero expectations, of course, because I am an action movie junkie and easy to please.Â But about 30 minutes in, I asked if he was bored and he said no.Â So that’s always a plus.Â Contrary to what he thinks, I do hate knowing that he’s miserably suffering through some POS movie for my sake.Â (Because nine times out of 10, I’m enjoying it just fine.)

The big thing going on here was the cast.Â Several big names, lots of newbies, but no one person was the real focus. I enjoy movies like that.Â If you don’t like the main star of a movie it’s hard to get past, but if it’s kind of an equal-opportunity deal then that’s less likely to happen.

Channing Tatum is somewhat of a puzzle to me.Â I feel like I should know who he is.Â He looks very familiar but I haven’t seen anything he was in before.Â I do know that he’s been a model for Abercrombie & Fitch and Gap among others, plus plenty of TV commercials.Â So I guess that’s it.Â Either way, he’s cute and has this soft-spoken southern boy thing going for him.Â I approve of him as the choice for Duke (who would be classified as the story’s protagonist if I had to pick one.Â Look at me, I remember stuff from high school English!Â Mrs. Mitchell would be so proud.)

Arnold Vosloo is absolutely always a great choice.Â I’ve been fascinated with him ever since he showed up in The Mummy.Â He’s had guest-starring roles on some of my favorite TV shows over the years (most notably Charmed, NCIS and Psych), and I’m always excited to see his name in the credits.Â I think he always adds a positive spin, even as the bad guy.Â Creepy yet charming, and certainly mysterious.Â Win.

As far as I’m concerned, Sienna Miller is a nobody except for her relationship with Jude Law.Â I’ve never seen any of the little indie films she’s been in.Â But.Â I adored her in this movie.Â She was breathtaking.Â I want to BE HER.Â The hair, the kick-assedness, the access to awesome toys, the whole nine yards.Â LOVE.

Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje is one of those people that shows up kind of randomly but is always a plus.Â He’s very exotic and pretty, first of all.Â And who doesn’t love a British accent?Â Nobody, that’s who.

I have a long-standing adoration of Dennis Quaid.Â Innerspace is one of my faves from way back when.Â Even though he’s old enough to be my father, he’s a fellow Houstonian and simply adorable.Â Unfortunately, he wasn’t really a prominent fixture in G.I. Joe, and the lines he did have seemed…forced.Â But that’s okay, Dennis.Â I love you!

Ray Park is kick-ass.Â Enough said.

Rachel Nichols seems to be one of those chameleon-like people, who can look totally different in every role they take.Â But she was good as Scarlett, pretty and smart and lots of style.Â Her hair was gorgeous too.

Marlon Wayans was a good solid choice for Ripcord.Â Obviously I don’t know a lot about the G.I. Joe comics, nor did I ever play with the action figures as a child, but for the movie he worked as the comic relief.Â Funny but not distracting.

And Joseph Gordon-Levitt is all grown up!Â Who knew?Â I just remember him as that kid on Third Rock From the Sun (a show I kind of hated but watched anyway).Â He’s only 2 years my junior but still.Â I feel old for some reason.

Finally, Christopher Eccleston.Â I can say with absolute certainty that he is the ONLY reason my husband agreed to watch.Â (He’s also the only reason that N watched 28 Days Later.Â We’re Doctor Who fans up in here.)Â He’s fascinating to me too, mostly because he’s riiiiiiiiight on the cusp of being handsome but doesn’t quite make it.Â He’s a great actor though, whether lending his expertise to a post-apocalyptic zombie-overrun London or playing a futuristic gun-runner.Â Either way, I’ve never been disappointed watching something with him in it.

Overall, G.I. Joe was a good solid movie.Â Enough plot to be coherent, not so much to be confusing.Â The last 20 or so minutes were a clear set-up for a sequel (really, they could not have been more obvious unless there had been people parading around carrying signs that read “SEQUEL COMING SOON”), but that’s fine.Â I’m rarely offended by sequels to movies that I enjoy (unless, of course, they suck) but since the original was enjoyable if not exactly Oscar-caliber, I’m sure any subsequent plotlines will be equally watchable.

My score:Â Thumbs up.Â N’s score:Â “Honestly, for what it was, I thought it was okay.” That’s as good as it gets with him, folks.Â About as close to a ringing endorsement as you’ll ever see.

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